


Song Without Words

by TamscendingGender



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Academy Folks Are There For Literally One Scene, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Circus Bros Plus Caleb, M/M, Pre-Canon, The Nein Are There At The End, fix-it sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-05-28 13:50:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 24,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19395457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TamscendingGender/pseuds/TamscendingGender
Summary: Yasha Nydoorin is walking through the streets of Blumenthal, enjoying the stormy night air, when she smells burning and hears screams. Rushing to the scene, she find a burning house and three people clearly trying to hurt a fourth in some way. Reacting on instinct, she fights and defeats the three wizards and takes the boy they were hurting home to the circus with her. What is she going to do with this catatonic, traumatized person? Keep him around and be his friend, obviously.This is really just an exploration of what would have happened if Yasha had rescued Caleb before he could end up in the asylum, because Yasha and Caleb are the ultimate BroTP and I really don't write enough Yasha content. All apologies to Ashley Johnson for probably mangling her portrayal of her own dnd character.





	1. Con Fuoco

**Author's Note:**

> So many thanks to Artie, my beta, who read this and yelled at me for how much she enjoyed it!!! Also thanks to Freddie Mercury, who fueled much of the writing process.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Con Fuoco: a musical term meaning "with fire" or "in a fiery manner". Of course I used music terms, I'm a future music major :)

The air tasted like a brewing storm. Yasha paused in her walk to close her eyes and let the electric sensation wash over her. It had been a few months since a storm had come their way. This would be the first of the season, and when it came Yasha would go with it. It was how things were. Gustav understood. He could make Bo work more to make up for her absence, or he could just leave things as they were. When Yasha left chasing storms, the circus moved on, and eventually she came back. She always came back. She was still not sure why, but she liked the circus. It was a comfortable place, one that was starting to feel like home.

She continued on after a few minutes, studying the closed shops and shuttered windows of the town they were in. The streets were empty, the residents gone to their beds. Yasha would normally be walking around the hills that surrounded the little town, but something in her had told her to go to the streets of...whatever this town was called. Gustav had told them, but Yasha did not always remember the names of the places they went. They all looked the same after a while. A breeze drifted through the street, and Yasha stopped again to absorb the scents it brought her. She tasted the promise of rain, and something else. Something acrid. Her eyes snapped open, and she scanned the town with a frightened eye. That was the taste of fire. Something was burning. She started walking faster, barely glancing at the houses in her rush. 

It did not take her long to find the burning. At the very end of a small street off of the main one she had been walking down, she saw a small wooden house blazing against the night sky. Four people were outlined against the flames. One was clearly struggling against the grip of two of the others while the final figure, a gaunt shape in billowing robes, shouted at them.

“Bren, pull it together! I did not think you were this weak!” he was exclaiming. A thin scream echoed from the house, and the struggling figure let out a horrible wail. Yasha pulled her greatsword from its sheath on her back and ran forward, not pausing to think about anything. The gaunt man turned and raised a hand towards her, but she lunged at him and slashed at him, her sword cutting through his thin cloak and spurting blood over the fabric. One of the other figures, a pale girl with short, spiky blond hair, loosened her hold on the other figure and raised her hands to fire something at Yasha. It missed, and Yasha hit her with a backhanded swing. Things started to blur together as rage clouded her vision. The three hit her with spells, some of which hit, but she managed to keep going, to keep landing hits on them. Blood slicked across her sword and over the fronts of the robes of her opponents. The gaunt man was the first to fall. Yasha sensed he was the most dangerous of the three and focused her attacks on him. As his bloodied and lifeless corpse crumpled to the ground, the girl let out an angry cry and flung herself at Yasha.

“You  _ monster _ , we were only ridding the country of  _ scum _ , they did not deserve to  _ live!  _ But he did! You killed him!” she screamed, firing blast after blast of arcane fire at Yasha. All but one missed. “Wulf, we have to  _ kill her _ !” The other person, a boy with brown hair and skin even paler than the girl’s, nodded and pointed a finger up at Yasha. Yasha had a brief moment of doubt. These people were barely adults. They had been attacking her, but they were surely under the influence of the older man. She would not kill them, she decided. She would knock them unconscious and then...the boy’s spell hit her, and she forgot about all her plans. It  _ hurt _ , and she roared at him, her sword swinging and opening a huge gash across his chest. He stared at it in shock, then fell to the ground. The girl screamed again and began pelting Yasha with spell after spell. Yasha slashed at her again and again until she, too, crumpled to the ground. Yasha wiped her sword off, the rage fading from her system, and went to the final figure, the one who the boy and the girl had been restraining. He was curled into a tight ball on the ground, unmoving. Yasha hesitated, not sure of what to do. The boy on the ground let out a quiet, anguished moan, and she came to a decision. She picked him up, cradling him against her chest like he was a baby, and began to make her way through the dark streets back to the circus. 

Yasha’s tent was on the very edge of the campsite, on the side opposite the town. It was large for just her, but it was the only size of tent they had. She picked her quiet way around the other tents, hoping that she didn’t run into anyone else. Her hopes were dashed as Gustav Fletching walked out from behind the main tent and came walking towards her. 

“Hello, Yasha.” he said, yawning hugely. “What’re you... _ why do you have a person _ ?” 

“I rescued him.” Yasha said calmly. “He was with people who were hurting him, and I fought them and took him away. I will look after him.” Gustav rubbed his face. 

“Yasha...OK. OK. That’s an extra mouth for us to feed, you know.” he said. “Is he going to be able to contribute to the circus at all?” Yasha looked down at the boy in her arms. 

“I don’t know.” she said. “Once he wakes up, maybe we can ask him. I will take responsibility for him.” She hesitated, about to walk away. “Do you have extra clothes that might fit him?” Gustav sighed.

“I guess.” he said, and walked away, shaking his head. Yasha slipped into her tent and laid the boy down on her cot. He was very pale, with a dusting of freckles on his cheeks. His ginger bangs flopped over his face, and his black uniform– _ was it a uniform?– _ made him look a little like a vampire. Yasha sat down on the edge of her bed and studied his face. 

“Gustav told me you found a man on your walk.” Desmond Moondrop said, ducking through the flap in her tent and dumping a stack of clothing onto the table. “How did that happen?”

“There was a house burning, and he was trying to run but these people were holding him. I attacked them, and they fought me, and I defeated them and brought him back here.” Yasha said. “They were hurting him.” Desmond took one of the chairs and studied her.

“You are strange, Yasha.” he commented, not without affection. “Gustav said you’re taking responsibility for him.” 

“Yes.” Yasha said simply. 

“If we get in trouble for this…”

“No one saw me.” Yasha cut him off. “At least, the only people who did are dead. We will be fine. And if we are not...I will leave. I don’t need to stay.” 

“I would prefer it if you could stay.” Desmond said. He stood up with a sigh and patted her on the shoulder. “Good night.” He disappeared into the night. Yasha changed the boy out of his uniform and into the plain cream-colored shirt and black trousers Desmond had brought her. They were a little large on him, but she thought he looked better out of that sinister black outfit. She tucked him into her bed and got out her bedroll. She did not mind sleeping on the ground.

\------

The boy was still asleep when Yasha woke up the next morning. He had moved off of his back and was now curled up on his side, one arm flung out across the cot. Yasha went to get breakfast for both of them from the communal campfire. The twins were sitting there, eating bacon and talking to each other.

“Desmond said you found a boy.” Mona said when Yasha started doling out two helpings of bacon and toast. 

“I did not  _ find  _ him, I rescued him.” Yasha said, not looking at her.

“Is he going to be part of the circus now?” Yuli asked.

“If he wants to be.” Yasha said. “He’s still asleep. I will see when he wakes up.” She returned to her tent and put the plates on the table. When she looked up to find utensils, she noticed that the boy was sitting up now. He was pressed against the iron back of the bed, his arms wrapped tightly around his legs and his blue eyes wide and staring. Yasha moved towards him, her hands out, and he pressed closer to the back of the bed. “I’m not going to hurt you.” she said gently. “You are safe.” The boy shuddered, and Yasha sat down on one of her chairs. “Those people are not going to hurt you anymore. What is your name?” The boy didn’t seem to have heard her, so she repeated it. He didn’t say anything. “You can’t speak, can you?” No response. “Or hear?” No response to that, either. Yasha sighed. This was going to be harder than she had thought. 

\------

She was coaxing the boy to eat when Gustav came into her tent. 

“He’s awake now.” he said. “Do you know anything?” Yasha put down the pieces of bread in her hands and sighed. The boy took that opportunity and scooted further away from her, tugging the blankets up around him as if those would protect him.

“He can’t talk. Or won’t. I’m not sure.” she said. “And he will not eat. Or respond to me, except to hide.” Gustav folded his arms and regarded the boy, who stared back with empty eyes. 

“Maybe we should find another place for him.” he said carefully. Yasha shook her head.

“I will look after him.” she said. “He does not have anywhere else to go.” 

“He needs a name.” Gustav said, changing the subject abruptly. “We can't keep calling him 'the boy who lives in Yasha's tent.”

“Yes.” Yasha said. She regarded the boy. No names came to her mind immediately. 

“What about Caleb?” Gustav asked. “I knew a man named Caleb once. He was nothing like him, but...he was a good man. It's a good name for him to have.”

“Caleb is good.” Yasha said. “What do you think of it?” she asked the boy. True to form, he did not respond. 

“He cannot do much for the circus. I don’t know how the others will feel about that.” Gustav said. 

“The others can go fuck themselves.” Yasha said, her eyes flashing. “Something traumatic happened to him, and he needs time to heal. Someday he might be able to help us, but for now this is how he is, and there is nothing wrong with that.” Gustav studied her face for a long time, then patted her on the shoulder.

“You are a good one, Yasha.” he said, and left the tent. Yasha looked at Caleb.

“Welcome to the circus, Caleb.” she said. He blinked at her, and she smiled slightly. “We’re moving today, so be prepared for that.” She put the plate of bread on the table and went to find Caleb’s boots. “Why don’t you get out of bed and we can go see if Desmond needs any help packing up?” Caleb stared at the boots in her hand as if he had never seen a pair of boots before. Yasha sat down next to him and slid one of them onto his foot. He jerked away from her, causing the boot to fall onto the ground, and huddled against the pillows. “It’s OK. I’m not going to hurt you.” Yasha said gently. “We can stay here for now, but you will need to put your boots on.” Caleb rubbed his hands over his knees in a steady rhythm, hunching his shoulders up and watching her with a wary, frightened air. 

“Are you coming to take down the tent?” Bo asked, appearing in the door.

“No. I’m afraid he will run away if I leave him.” Yasha said. Bo stepped into the tent and regarded Caleb with a suspicious eye.

“So he’s living with us now.” he said. It was not a question.

“Yes.” Yasha said. “If you have a problem with that, you can take it up with Gustav.” 

“I don’t have a problem with it.” Bo said. “I do have a problem with you not helping us because of him.”

“We have plenty of people to take down the tent without me. Ask Kylre if you are so concerned about not having hands.” Yasha said. “I will take down my tent, and then I will see what Caleb is up for.” Bo squinted at Caleb, then turned to leave.

“If he is a burden, then we ought to give him up.” he said over his shoulder.

“I am not doing that.” Yasha said. “I am not.” She turned back to Caleb. “You need to get off the bed now, OK?” she said. Caleb shuddered, and Yasha sighed. She stepped forward and picked him up, blankets and all. He shrieked and tried to wriggle out of her arms, but she ignored his efforts stoically and carried him over to one of the chairs. He let her settle him down and pulled the blankets closer around him, watching her as she packed up her possessions.

“I’m sorry for that.” Yasha said to him as she tucked her few utensils into her rucksack and did up the latches. “I should have warned you. But you would have tried to run, and I need to pack up my bed.” She did so, folding it up and strapping it onto the top of her bag. She carried the table and the one free chair out of the tent, and then returned. “You can walk, if you like, but we will need to get out of this tent so I can take it down.” she said. Caleb hugged the blankets around himself. “If you don’t get off of the chair I will have to pick you up again, and you did not like that.” Yasha explained patiently. Caleb did not seem to understand her. She sighed again and scooped him up. He wriggled, then went limp, as if he were giving up on his chances of escape. Yasha set him down on the grass and stacked the chair onto the other one. With Caleb watching accusingly, she began to pull out the stakes of her tent and fold it up into a tight bundle. The tent went on top of the table to be carried to one of the carts. Caleb was still standing next to the chairs when she finished, holding the blankets tight around him like a patchwork cloak. 

“Are you done packing everything?” Gustav asked, walking over and looking over Yasha’s campsite. Caleb moved away from both of them and stood in a clear patch of grass, hunching his shoulders up.

“Yes, except for the chairs and table.” Yasha said, hoisting her pack onto her shoulders. “I don’t know how we’re going to get him into the cart. He does not like it when I pick him up, and he does not respond to me when I ask him to do things.” Gustav looked like he was about to say something, then shook his head.

“Do your best. He is your responsibility, after all.” he said. Yasha watched him walking away, then turned to Caleb.

“We’re getting into the carts to move on.” she said. “I will carry you, or you can walk. Whatever you are more comfortable with.” Caleb stared at the horizon, not moving. Yasha sighed. “Do you want to walk?” she asked. Caleb did not move. Then, slowly, he nodded. Yasha would have cheered, if she were that kind of person. Instead, she picked up her table and the tent. “Can you get the chairs?” Caleb did nothing. Yasha sighed and carried the things over to the cart. They climbed into the cart, and Caleb scooted to the furthest corner, still wrapped in his blankets. Yasha let him have space, and they spent the entire ride from Caleb’s town sitting like that. 

\------

As time passed, Caleb got better. It was an agonizingly slow process, but Yasha was patient. After about a month, she could finally stop force feeding him soup, as he was eating of his own volition. He also started having better days on occasion. Yasha catalogued those as the days when he didn’t spend most of it huddled in the corner of her tent, ignoring her and everything around him. On his better days, he didn’t run away from her when she tried to calm him down when a nightmare woke him up screaming. There were still things he didn’t do, even on those days. He never started talking. He barely communicated at all, even nonverbally. Yasha did her best to teach him sign language, but she was not sure if he was learning. 

A year passed. Yasha figured out that Caleb liked books, and whenever the towns they visited had bookstores she would buy him one. It took a lot of trial and error to figure out what he liked, but she managed it, eventually. She had to buy Caleb his own pack to carry all of them. Caleb started occasionally using the sign language Yasha taught him, but infrequently and only when absolutely necessary. He still woke up screaming every night, and he still stayed in the tent as much as possible. He trusted Yasha more, which meant that he didn’t sit as far away from her as possible when they were in the cart or the tent. He let her touch him on the shoulders, which was a huge breakthrough. He was suspicious of everyone else in the circus, but Yasha was happy with how far he had progressed with her.

Two years went by, and things improved. Caleb went outside willingly, but only when Yasha was with him. He trusted Yasha enough that he let her braid his hair. One lovely spring morning, he picked her flowers, and Yasha had spent the rest of the day so happy she thought she was going to float away with the power of her joy. He wasn’t afraid of the other circus members anymore, except for Kylre, but Yasha was not concerned about that. Kylre was a scary person, and she did not fault Caleb for being afraid of him. He used sign language even when it wasn’t essential for doing things right, and he slept through the night on occasion. Yasha sat up with him on his really bad nights. He trusted her that much now, which was a miracle. 

One night, Yasha walked in on Caleb reading a book to the light of four glowing globules of light. He looked up when she walked in. 

“I didn’t know you could do magic.” Yasha said, looking at the lights in interest. “Are you a wizard, Caleb?” Caleb hesitated, crumpling the corner of his book. “You don’t have to tell me.” Yasha said, sitting on one of the chairs and taking her boots off. “Only if you want to.” Caleb stared down at his book, his hair falling into his face. Yasha had cut it a few months ago, but the length she had taken away had come back quickly. He needed a shave, but she did not think they had gotten to that level of trust. Finally, he looked up and nodded. “What else can you do?” He shook his head. “You cannot do anything else?” Another head shake. “You do not  _ want _ to do anything else?” Nod. “OK. That’s fine.” Caleb returned to his reading, hunching his shoulders up. Yasha studied him and wondered. Those people she had fought the night she had rescued Caleb had been wizards, or some kind of magic users. Had they been working with Caleb? What had happened before Yasha had gotten there? Someday she would ask Caleb. Someday, but not anytime soon. 


	2. Empfindung

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Empfindung: with feeling
> 
> Please note: this chapter does contain Caleb-typical bad brain thoughts!

Rain pelted against the tent, and Caleb tucked the blankets of his bedroll closer around him, shivering. It had been nearly an hour, and Yasha had not returned. He was not sure where she had gone, or what for, but he was incredibly anxious. Usually when she left, she gave him a specific time of return. This was not normal. Caleb did not like it when things went differently from the norm. That combined with the pounding rain and the ominous rumbles of thunder that shuddered through the air made him into a trembling, anxious wreck.  _ Gods,  _ he missed Frumpkin. He would have to write down what he needed for Find Familiar so Yasha could get it for him. He thought he would be able to cast it. He could cast cantrips; surely Find Familiar wouldn’t be too much trouble. He wanted more spells than Dancing Lights and Friends and...the other one. 

A glaring flash of lightning cracked across the sky and illuminated the silhouettes of two people against the fabric of the tent. It was followed by an explosion of sound, and Caleb pulled the blankets over his head in an instinctive protective gesture. The tent door swished open, bringing with it Yasha and Gustav’s voices. 

“I’ll get Desmond, and he can heat up water for a bath.” Gustav was saying. “We can probably fit him into some of Caleb’s clothes. I don’t think he’ll mind. Do you have a towel?”

“Somewhere.” Yasha said. Caleb took the blankets off of his head and sat up to look over the bed at what was happening. Yasha was placing what was definitely a body wrapped in a wet cloak on the table. Gustav disappeared through the flap, his tunic flicking droplets as it went around the door. Caleb stood up and crept cautiously around the bed to peer at the figure on the table. 

It was a lavender tiefling. Caleb had never seen a tiefling of that color, not even in Rexxentrum. He had dark purple, almost indigo horns that curved over his head and twisted to the side when they reached the his face, and short hair that was pasted flat against his forehead. There was a red eye tattoo on the side of his neck, and several thin scars worked their way down from the base of his neck and under the soaking black shirt he was wearing. He was covered in mud. It was smeared across his face and caked his hair. 

“Excuse me, Caleb.” Yasha said, returning to the table with a towel. “Can you put the wet things next to the door?” She started peeling the wet and dirty clothes away from the tiefling’s thin frame. Caleb took them and folded them up neatly where she said, then returned to oversee her ministrations. Yasha had wrapped the tiefling up in one of her towels. It was Yasha-sized and made the tiefling look even smaller than he had in his clinging clothes.

“Where?” Caleb signed after getting Yasha’s attention. “How?”

“Gustav was taking a walk in the woods and found him huddled up against a tree, soaking wet.” Yasha said. “I was taking a walk, too, and I ran into them. We have no idea how he got there, or who he is, or anything.” Caleb fidgeted with his sleeves. There was a grunting noise, and Gustav backed into the tent, carrying the circus’ collective bathtub with Desmond. They settled it down in the center of the tent, next to the table, and Desmond began to sing quietly under his breath, putting a hand against the side of the tub. Caleb retreated to the bed and perched there, watching as Yasha pressed her hand against the tiefling’s shoulder. There was a brief flash of white light, and the tiefling stirred. He sat up, the towel falling from him, and stared at them with red eyes that reflected Caleb’s lights. 

“Hello. We found you in the woods. You’re safe. Don’t worry.” Yasha said, holding her hands out to him in a gesture of calm. The tiefling blinked.

“... _ Empty. _ ” he whispered in a hoarse voice. He shivered and pulled his knees up to his chest. 

“Empty? What does that mean?” Desmond asked, wrinkling his nose.

“Do you want a bath?” Gustav asked. “You were out in the woods for a long time, and you’re very muddy.” The tiefling frowned, wrapping his tail tightly around his ankles, and mumbled something under his breath. Yasha sighed.

“I’m going to put you in this tub now.” she said to him, and picked him up, dunking him into the gently steaming water. The tiefling made no moves of protest and let her scrub the mud off of him vigorously.

“How do we keep finding all of these...strays?” Desmond asked, folding his arms and watching Yasha bathing the tiefling. 

“We’re a fucking circus, of course we find strays.” Gustav said. 

“You know what I mean.” Desmond said. He shot a glance at Caleb. Caleb hunched his shoulders and looked determinedly away from the two. His gaze ended up being caught by the tiefling’s eyes. He was barely blinking, and he was staring right at Caleb, allowing himself to be pushed back and forth by Yasha’s ministrations. Gustav rolled his sleeves up and joined her, working his fingers through the tiefling’s matted hair. It took them a while, but eventually the tiefling was clean and wrapped up in several of Yasha’s spare blankets. 

“Do you have space here for him?” Gustav asked. “I have plenty of room in my tent.” 

“I can sleep on the ground.” Yasha said. “I do not mind.” Gustav nodded, and he and Desmond disappeared into storm. Yasha picked the tiefling up and settled him down on her bed, next to where Caleb was sitting. “I guess we have another roommate.” she said. The tiefling blinked at them. 

“ _ Empty _ .” he whispered again, shivering and retreating further into his blankets. 

“Empty.” Caleb signed, frowning. 

“I don’t know what that means either.” Yasha said, guessing correctly at the meaning in his sign. “Is he empty?” Caleb shrugged. 

“Lost.” he signed. “Lost memories?” 

“Maybe.” Yasha said. “Maybe he is like you.” Caleb frowned at her. “Something awful happened to him, and he retreated deep into himself.” Yasha clarified. Caleb twisted his sleeves around his hands. “You can go back to bed.” Yasha said. “I will stay up with him.” Caleb nodded and slipped off of the bed and into his bedroll. He did not go right to sleep, and instead lay watching the outline of the skinny tiefling huddled against the back of Yasha’s bed. 

\------

He woke up at around 7:24 the next morning to find the tiefling crouching next to him, watching him with unblinking eyes. Caleb sat up and scooted away from him instinctively. He was wearing one of Caleb’s shirts and a pair of blue striped pants that must have come from Gustav or Desmond. There was another red eye tattoo on the back of his right hand to match the one on the side of his neck. Caleb looked around, but Yasha was not in the tent. This was going to be challenging. He chewed his lip, then tapped on his throat and made a slashing motion with his hand. The tiefling turned his head to the side and blinked slowly. Caleb repeated the gesture, sensing that the tiefling had not understood his meaning. The tiefling scooted forward and reached out a hand towards Caleb's face, his fingers resting gently on Caleb's beard. 

“Hello.” Caleb signed. The tiefling dropped his hand and frowned, his eyes squinting into an expression of concentration. Caleb held up a finger and stood up, walking over to his pack and rifling through it to find paper and a pencil. When he straightened up, the tiefling had moved to perch in one of the chairs. Caleb took the other and carefully wrote, “My name is Caleb and I cannot talk either. What is your name?” He pushed the paper towards the tiefling, who picked it up and stared at it blankly.  _ Scheiße.  _ The tiefling could not read.

“Sorry.” Caleb signed, taking the paper back. Where had Yasha gone? As if he had summoned her with his thoughts, Yasha ducked through the flap and smiled at them. 

“Good morning. Did you sleep all right?” she asked.

“Yes.” Caleb signed. “Does not talk.” He pointed at the tiefling. “Or read.” It was a long sentence for him. 

“Hmm.” she said. The tiefling stared at her with wide eyes. “We are here to help you. Don’t worry.” The tiefling's tail lashed against the legs of the chair, and he pulled his legs up to his chest. The flap opened and Gustav came in. He pushed his hair out of his face and regarded the tiefling with a thoughtful air.

“How's our new friend doing?” he asked. 

“He doesn't talk either.” Yasha said. Gustav nodded.

“Empty.” the tiefling muttered under his breath, whipping his tail. 

“What does that  _ mean _ ?” Gustav asked the air. “I know it has to have the key to what’s wrong with him, but I can’t figure it out.” 

“Maybe someone did a spell on him and it took away his memories and speech.” Yasha said. “Caleb, does that sound like anything?”

“F-E-E-B-L-E-M-I-N-D.” Caleb spelled out. “Very bad.” He shivered. He had known how to cast Feeblemind, once. He had cast it on prisoners a few times. It was a nasty spell, and he hoped that the tiefling had not been the victim of it. “Greater Restoration. Cleric.” he added. “To heal.” He paused, thinking, then added, “No speech. At all.”

“And he is talking a little bit.” Yasha concluded. “So not that.” The tiefling tucked his tail around his ankles and nestled his head into the crook of his elbow, watching Yasha. 

“... _ Empty _ .” he mumbled, his words barely a whisper.

“Then what could it be?” Gustav wondered.

“Messed up resurrection.” Caleb signed, an idea coming to his mind. Yasha and Gustav frowned at him.

“Is that how resurrections happen?” Gustav asked. “Do you lose...yourself?” Caleb shrugged.

“I don’t know.” he signed. He tucked his hands under his knees and studied the tiefling. If he had Identify, or Detect Magic, he could figure everything out, but he didn’t have the components and his brain was still too fuzzy with depression to focus properly for those spells. 

“It would make sense.” Gustav mused. “I found him in the middle of the woods covered in dirt. Maybe someone buried him.”

“Yikes.” Yasha said simply. The tiefling shuddered and curled into a tighter ball. “He needs a name.” she added. “You’re good at names, Gustav. Do you have one for him?” Gustav chewed his lip.

“MT,” he said. “It’s not much of a name, yet, but I think those should be the initials. For empty.” 

“Empty.” the newly christened MT murmured into his arms, as if in agreement. 

\------

Usually on performance nights, Caleb went to sit with Yasha while the performance went on, but that night Yasha asked him to look after MT. Caleb decided to take him outside and sit in the woods. The day had been sunny, and the ground was dried out after the storm. MT trailed behind him like his slightly taller purple shadow, staring at the trees and muttering under his breath. Caleb found a good clearing with rocks to sit on and settled down under a tree with his book to read. MT went to investigate a clump of flowers, sitting cross-legged in front of them and running his fingers through the plants. Caleb became deeply absorbed in his book and was as such incredibly startled when MT appeared in front of him, wildflowers in his hands. He shouted, dropped his book, and was scrambling away towards the trees when his brain finally registered who it was standing in front of him.

“Sorry.” he signed with trembling hands, standing up and brushing the dirt from his tunic. MT frowned, his tail twitching, and held the flowers out to Caleb. Caleb took them and smiled faintly at them. They were purple and blue, their small petals shot through with white. Caleb sat back down, and MT sat in front of him, watching him. “Flowers.” Caleb signed, and indicated the flowers sitting on his knee. He repeated the sign and watched MT hopefully. The tiefling did not seem to make the connection, but he smiled indulgently up at Caleb. Caleb tapped his chest and carefully spelled out his name, “C-A-L-E-B.” 

“Flo….wers.” MT signed suddenly, his hand brushing hesitantly against his cheeks. 

“Yes!” Caleb signed. “Flowers.”

“Flowers.” MT echoed.

“M-T.” Caleb spelled, pointing at MT. MT repeated it, and Caleb reached forward to correct his ‘M.’ “Good!” MT’s tail swished through the grass, and he smiled wider. Almost as quickly as he had smiled, his face fell into a frown of worry.

“Empty…?” he mumbled, pulling his knees up to his chest and worrying the fabric of his pants. Caleb hesitated, then reached out and rubbed his knee. MT snatched his hand furtively and held on tightly, lacing his fingers through Caleb’s. Caleb almost pulled back, but he relaxed. MT didn’t mean him any harm. He rubbed his thumb over MT’s knuckle and smiled. It felt strange to smile after so long. MT hummed and moved closer, dropping back down to sit cross-legged and press his knees against Caleb’s. It was more physical contact than Caleb was really comfortable with, and he moved backwards, keeping his fingers entwined with MT’s. MT frowned a little, but he seemed satisfied with just holding hands. 

Caleb’s internal clock and the darkening sky alerted him that it was about time to go back to the tent and sleep. He stood up, pulling MT with him, and tucked his book under his arm. The flowers tumbled onto the ground, and MT bent down to pick them up. He straightened and tucked one behind Caleb’s ear. 

“Thank you.” Caleb signed, one handed. They walked back through the dark woods, listening to the sound of wildlife rustling in the bushes. Caleb paused at the edge of the forest to look up at the stars. They were stark against the sky, glittering down on the colorful tents and the flashing lights from the main tent. 

“Empty.” MT murmured softly, staring up at the sky with him. Caleb glanced at him. The stars were reflected in his awe-filled eyes. He looked so  _ peaceful _ .

As Caleb was falling asleep that night, his depression came crawling back from whatever dark corner it had disappeared off to for the day.

_ Why are you lying to yourself, Widogast? _ it spat at him, turning the last name he had taken into an insult.  _ You will never be good enough to take care of this poor lost soul. You are a murderer. You know that. You are using everyone around you; Yasha, Gustav, Desmond. They are just means for an end. You are a disgusting person. You should never have stayed. You should have run away the moment you woke up. You should run now. Leave. You do not deserve this. You deserve nothing. You should have burned up in that house. You should be dead. You deserve to die.  _ Caleb stared up into the darkness, letting the thoughts swirl through his brain and keep him awake until his body finally shut down and made him sleep. 

He knew it was going to be a bad day the moment he woke up and felt a weight pressing down on his soul so heavy he didn’t want to even try getting out of bed. He rolled onto his side and pulled the bedroll over his head, snuggling deep into the encompassing darkness of blankets. He could hear Yasha moving around the tent.

“Caleb? Are you awake?” she asked. Caleb did his best to not move. “OK, I can tell you’re faking, but I’m going to let you stay in bed. We’re doing another show tonight. I guess they like the circus here.” She paused. “MT is still asleep. I’ll be back soon. At least...make sure he doesn't run away.” She was silent, and Caleb guessed she had left the tent. He curled up tighter, wishing he could go back to sleep, but his brain wouldn’t let him. It was moving like sludge, and he could barely form a comprehensible thought, but at the same time it was refusing to lay down and rest.

The bed creaked, and Caleb could hear the faint swishing of a tail against tent fabric. A presence squatted down next to him, and cautious fingers brushed over his back. He curled up tighter, wishing that Yasha would come back and take MT with her and let Caleb wallow alone in his sadness. He did not need to deal with a nonverbal, empty tiefling. 

“E...empty?” the tiefling said cautiously, his hand resting on Caleb’s shoulder. Caleb made a noise that he hoped would tell MT  _ I am not in the mood for interaction, please leave me alone _ . MT made a small noise, and the weight of his hand disappeared. It was replaced by the faint sense of a leg or a knee right next to Caleb’s back. Curiosity dragged a small hole through Caleb’s fog, and he rolled over to see what MT was doing. The tiefling was leaning against the bed, watching him patiently. When he saw that Caleb was awake, he smiled. Caleb made a grouchy face at him, and MT frowned, his head turning to the side. Caleb huffed and pulled the blankets over his head. There was a gentle thump as MT flopped down onto the ground next to him. It was a sweet gesture, and the grouchy, angry tangle inside of Caleb loosened just a little. 

\-----

Things settled back into a rhythm after a few days. When Yasha was not working, she would take MT and Caleb off into the woods or to the back of their cart so she could teach MT sign language. When Yasha was working, someone else would show up to try and teach them whatever circus act that person felt like imparting on them. Caleb generally chose to disappear into the brush with a book when this happened, but MT took to circus life like he had been born for it. Gustav taught him sleight of hand card tricks, which turned into tarot card readings. The twins, Mona and Yuli, made it their personal project to get MT to learn how to do trapeze, which eventually evolved into contortion and general acrobatics. 

MT also started to get less empty as the days passed. By the end of the first week, he stopped hiding in corners every time a new person arrived, and Caleb was fairly certain he could understand most of what people said to him. As Yasha progressed with teaching him sign language, he also started communicating with people. He still stuck close to Yasha and Caleb, but he was more independent. Caleb was convinced that whatever had happened to him, it was not Feeblemind. Maybe he really had been resurrected clumsily. No matter what it had been, it was clearly fading. 

Caleb wished he could say the same for his own...fog. His bad days were still as awful and crushing as ever, even with MT’s tentative ministrations. Those made them better. It was easier to be crushed by the weight of your sins when a quietly gentle tiefling was sitting next to you, braiding your hair. Caleb knew he didn’t deserve this, knew he should just leave and let MT get better without him, but he couldn’t bring himself to. Maybe he was happy. Maybe he had been happy this whole time, with Yasha and the circus. He should not be happy. It was not what he deserved. But still, he couldn’t help but feeling a strange sense of peace every time Yasha brought him a book, every time MT begged him with those big red eyes of his to let him braid Caleb’s hair. 

One night, a few weeks after they found MT, Caleb was sitting on the bed reading a book when Gustav slipped through the flap. MT, who was doing handstands in the middle of the tent, waved his tail as a way of greeting and bent backwards into a bridge. 

“I got you papers, finally.” Gustav said to the tiefling, pulling a packet out of his jacket and putting it on the table. “We forgot to ask you about a name, but I just made something up. Congratulations, Mollymauk Tealeaf, on being a real, registered person.” He bowed. “Now, I have to get to the tent and make sure everything’s going smoothly.” He slipped out of the tent. MT,  _ Mollymauk _ , sat up and looked at Caleb. 

“M-O-L-L-Y-M-A-U-K.” Caleb spelled for him. “Name.” Mollymauk frowned and turned his head to the side, considering.

“Mollymauk.” he said finally. Caleb nearly dropped his book. It was the first word he had heard Mollymauk say other than “empty”. 

“ _ Words _ .” he signed, staring at Mollymauk.

“Words!” Mollymauk signed back, then frowned. “Not many.” he signed. “It’s hard.” Caleb nodded in sympathy. 

“Name good?” he signed. Mollymauk smiled.

“Ye-es.” he said out loud. “Mollymauk.” He climbed onto the bed and sat across from Caleb. “Book?” he signed. Caleb picked it up and showed it to him.

“History.” he signed. “Dwendalian Empire. Very long.” Mollymauk nodded thoughtfully. 

“Thick.” he signed, and grinned mischievously. Caleb frowned at him. “ _ Large _ .” 

“You need to spend less time with Mona and Yuli.” Caleb signed. Mollymauk crawled across the bed and snuggled up against him, tucking his head into Caleb’s shoulder. He still couldn’t read, but he liked to cuddle with Caleb while he read. Caleb was more comfortable with touch now. Spending time around Mollymauk did that to a person. 

“Caleb.” Mollymauk muttered into his shoulder, and Caleb felt something warm curling in his chest. He shoved it away. He should not be feeling...like that. He did not deserve it. Mollymauk deserved better. Mollymauk deserved more than the love of a dirty, awful, garbage person like him. Mollymauk nestled closer and hummed softly to himself. Caleb smiled, despite himself, and rubbed Mollymauk behind the horns, eliciting a contented hum from the tiefling. He did not deserve this, but for now he could accept it. 

\------

Mollymauk got his words back in bursts, but by the end of the month he was talking so much that Caleb could barely remember a time when he had been unable to. With his words came a change in personality. The quiet, anxious, ghost of a tiefling that had turned up in the middle of the woods was gone and replaced with a wild, colorful whirlwind. Caleb didn’t mind, which surprised him. Mollymauk somehow never managed to be overwhelming, no matter how hyper and loud and bright he was being. It was probably because he knew what it was to be terrified by every loud noise and fast-moving person. 

“I’m going to get a tattoo.” he announced one night. It was a beautiful spring evening, and they were sitting around the campfire eating fresh rabbit. The other circus people had gone into town for drinks, but Yasha, Caleb, and Mollymauk were content to sit in the woods with each other for company. 

“OK.” Yasha said. “I think there is an artist in this town. Or you can wait until we get near the city. Whenever that happens.”

“What if I forget?” Mollymauk asked. Caleb started at him, surprised at the bluntness of the question. Mollymauk fidgeted with his fork. “I...things are easy to forget, aren’t they?”

“I will help you remember.” Yasha said. “Caleb can, too. He has...what is it called, Caleb?” 

“E-I-D-E-T-I-C.” Caleb spelled carefully. 

“Eidetic memory.” Yasha pronounced. “He won’t forget.”

“Yeah!” Mollymauk said cheerfully. “That’s why I love you, Caleb.” He slipped his tail around Caleb’s ankle and squeezed. Caleb tucked his chin into the collar of his shirt, trying to hide the blush burning on his cheeks. 

“What are you going to get?” Yasha asked.

“A peacock, to cover this.” Mollymauk said, tapping the red eye on his neck. “And maybe eventually I’ll get something to cover the other ones.”

“Caleb, you should get something like that. For your scars.” Yasha said. Caleb froze, his fist curling tightly around his fork. Mollymauk didn’t know about his scars. Yasha only knew because he had known her for so long, because he trusted her. He trusted Mollymauk, but he had known him for barely four months. Mollymauk would ask him about the scars. Yasha didn’t ask questions like that. Mollymauk wouldn’t care. He knew that. Mollymauk would be worried about him. Caleb didn’t want that. Mollymauk shouldn’t worry about him. Yasha hadn’t known Caleb would react like this. It was fine. He was fine. 

“I didn’t know you had scars, Caleb.” Mollymauk said cheerfully. “You could get flowers! Ooh, that’s a good idea. Maybe I’ll get a peacock, and flowers to cover the eyes on this arm, and...and a snake? That’s cool. Snakes are cool. Mona and Yuli will like that. And I could get something on my back...I’ll have to think about that one.”

“That is a lot of tattooing to do.” Yasha observed. “You know, tattoos hurt.” 

“I didn’t know that, Yasha, I haven’t even been alive half a year.” Mollymauk said, squinting at her. Yasha started describing how tattoos worked, and Caleb immersed himself in his meal. If he avoided bringing it up again, Mollymauk would forget about his scars, and then he would never have to talk about it again. Yasha was going to ask him about his avoiding talking about it, but Yasha was fine. He would trust Yasha with his life. They finished eating, and Yasha went off to do whatever it was Yasha did when she disappeared into the woods for hours at a time. 

“Caleb?” Mollymauk said cautiously, sitting down next to him. Caleb looked up and tried to subtly pull his sleeves down over his arms. “Are you all right? You got all...quiet. Earlier.” Caleb nodded. If he signed, his sleeves might come down, and then Mollymauk would see his scars. Mollymauk pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his head on his arms, watching Caleb. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.” Caleb signed, moving his hand as little as possible. Mollymauk was silent for a long time.

“It’s OK if you aren’t comfortable with your scars.” he said finally. “I don’t remember where mine come from. I’ve got that advantage. You...you don’t need to do anything about them. You don’t need to show me them, or tell me anything. I don’t care. I promise. And...if you ever do want to tell me, I’m here. I’ll listen. Trust me.” 

“I trust you.” Caleb signed. Mollymauk smiled at him. He dropped his knees down and leaned over to cup Caleb’s face and kiss him on the forehead.

“Let’s clean this fire up, shall we?” he said, bouncing to his feet. “I’ll get the water and you get the dishes.” Caleb watched the tiefling skipping away and brushed a tentative finger over where Mollymauk’s hand had held his face. 

They went into town the next day to go shopping, in a way. Mollymauk went to the tattoo shop and began the lengthy process of covering his arm in the art that he wanted. Yasha stayed with him while Caleb went to buy the incense, charcoal, and brazier he needed to finally,  _ finally _ , bring Frumpkin back. It cost 15 gold pieces, which they had scraped together from Mollymauk’s tarot card reading funds and Yasha’s pay from the circus. He sat down in an alley near the tattoo shop to cast it, and returned after an hour smelling of herbs and with a fluffy orange tabby cat draped over his shoulders. 

“Where’d you get that cat, Caleb?” Mollymauk asked from the chair he was lounging in while a dark-skinned halfling woman with a short puff of black curly hair traced a peacock feather over his clavicle. 

“My cat.” Caleb signed, too giddy with happiness to really articulate himself. “F-R-U-M-P-K-I-N.” Frumpkin butted his nose into Caleb’s ear, and Caleb grinned. 

“I think that is his familiar.” Yasha clarified. Caleb sat down in a chair next to her and cuddled Frumpkin close to his chest. The fey cat purred like crazy, twining his tail around Caleb’s arm and nuzzling him. 

“He’s cute.” Mollymauk said, and then sung in a teasing lilt, “Just like his owner.” Caleb was too absorbed in holding Frumpkin to try to hide his blush. Yasha reached over and rubbed Frumpkin behind the ears.  _ That is Yasha. _ Caleb thought at the cat.  _ She helped me when I was... _ He could not think of a good way to explain how he had been, and instead sent a vague sense of the state he had been in for the past few years at his cat.  _ And the tiefling is Mollymauk, and he is a flirt but he is very kind. You will like them. They are all that I have now.  _ Frumpkin purred harder and rubbed his face all over Caleb’s shoulder. He buried his face in the cat’s fur to hide the tears that had started trickling down his face. He had lost everything, but at least he still had Frumpkin. He felt something curling around his ankle, and he peered around Frumpkin to see Mollymauk’s tail resting there. Caleb looked up and met Mollymauk’s eye. The tiefling smiled at him, his eyes soft and...there was something else there. Something...no. Caleb didn’t need to see that.  _ He did not deserve that. _ Frumpkin yowled at him, and he pulled away from Mollymauk’s gaze to fuss over his familiar.

\------

“Caleb, I love Frumpkin and I will kill for him.” Yasha said very seriously, pulling a string across the floor of the tent for the cat to chase. “He is so sweet.” Caleb smiled proudly and moved his foot out of the way of the scampering animal. It was late. Neither of them could sleep, and were instead quietly playing with the cat. “When did you first...get him?”

“First year in school.” Caleb signed. “I found the spell in my textbook.” He tucked his hands between his legs, not wanting to say anything more. Yasha twitched the string in a crazy pattern, and Frumpkin jumped on top of her hand to stop the string’s motion. 

“But...you couldn’t cast it when we first met.” she said slowly, putting the string down and switching to sign language. Caleb nodded. “Why not?” Caleb tapped the side of his head, then made a motion like an explosion. “It...left?”

“Sort of.” Caleb signed. Yasha nodded.

“That makes sense.” she signed. “Trauma is weird.” Caleb shoved his hands back into the gap between his knees, staring fixedly at the ground. Yasha picked up the string again and began playing with the cat. “Were those people you were with on...that night...were they from your school?” she asked abruptly. Caleb looked up. Yasha had not asked him about his past in a long time, not since she had tried to ask him about his family and he had completely shut down a few months after he had come to the circus. “You don’t have to tell me.” she added quickly. “I shouldn’t have asked. I’m sorry.” 

“Yes.” Caleb signed shortly. He did not clarify, and Yasha did not push the issue. She turned her attention back to entertaining Frumpkin. Caleb picked his book up from the table settled back against the bed to read. Frumpkin tired of the string and climbed into his lap, making sure to sit directly in front of the book. Caleb stuck his tongue out at Frumpkin and received a head shoved in his face for his pains. Yasha chuckled and reached over to give Frumpkin a good scratch at the base of his tail. As he watched her petting his cat, something wriggled itself to the front of his mind and made itself known. 

_ You should tell Yasha everything _ , it shouted.  _ She deserved to know to know everything. She clearly wants to know. Tell her. Stop lying to your friends! _ Caleb rubbed Frumpkin behind the ears. He did not want to, but something told him he must. Yasha needed to know. The voice in the back of his brain was right. If Yasha did not want him around after learning about his past, then that was good and right. He did not deserve everything she had given him. He reached over and tugged her shirt.

“What is it?” Yasha asked, looking up at him. Caleb closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and looked at her. 

“They were from my school.” he signed, his hands shaking almost imperceptibly. “We were...the man...the one you killed. He was our teacher.” He took another breath and began slowly, shakily, to tell her basically everything about his time at the Soltryce Academy, about Ikithon’s teaching, and then, finally, awfully, he told her about the night she had found him. His hands shook so badly that he thought he was going to have to stop, but he kept going, even when Yasha blurred behind the tears that started flowing down his face. 

At long last, he finished, and his hands fell into his lap and curled around Frumpkin’s fur. Silence fell over the tent, punctuated by Caleb’s occasional shaky sob. Yasha sat watching him for an eternity, so long that Caleb thought she was afraid of him now, disgusted by him,  _ and rightly she should be, you are a disgusting person, she ought to throw you out right now and… _

Yasha pulled him into a hug. It surprised him, and he stiffened, but Yasha didn’t let go. She held him tightly, murmuring nonsense into his hair as the floodgates shattered and he broke down completely, sobbing desperately into her chest. Frumpkin grumbled at them and squeezed away to snuggle with Mollymauk. 

“Thank you for trusting me with that.” Yasha said finally, not breaking the hug. “I...I am glad I killed him, now. I thought something was wrong, which is why I attacked, but I never...I could not have…” Caleb wanted to scream at her,  _ Didn’t you hear that I killed my parents of my own volition? Didn’t you hear that it wasn’t Ikithon who burnt my house down?  _ He didn’t. He stayed in Yasha’s embrace, grateful at least for the comfort. After what felt like an eternity, and what was still not long enough, Yasha pulled away, keeping her hands on his shoulders, and looked him in the eye. “It was not your fault.” she said. “You were the one who burnt the house, you cast the spell, but Ikithon manipulated you into thinking that was the right thing to do. He  _ used _ you. You were a child who trusted him, and he took that trust and he used it.”

“It...does not change...parents….traitors.” Caleb signed, not able to form complete thoughts in the state he was in. 

“Yes.” Yasha conceded. “But that does not change the fact that he manipulated you into killing them. Into killing all those people. He is the one to blame for it, and he is dead. You can make a new life. You can...find a way to atone. To do good in the world. I believe that you are a good person, Caleb. I have seen it. You are a good person, and you are worthy of love, and if you thought I was going to kick you out of the circus for this, you were very wrong.” Caleb closed his eyes and let the tears flow down his face. Yasha hugged him again, and he leaned his head against her chest. They stayed there on the ground for a long time, until Yasha straighten up and ran her hands through her hair.

“Let’s go to sleep.” she said. “It’s late.” Caleb nodded and crawled into his bedroll. He lay in the darkness for a long time, trying his best to go to sleep.

\------

It was the end of summer, and it was a hot day of the kind that only ever happened in the south. The heat pressed in against Caleb’s skin and made his hair stick to the back of his neck. Frumpkin had abandoned him to walk on the sidewalk, not wanting to be close to the heat of his body. He had taken his coat off, but he was stubbornly refusing to roll his sleeves up. They were walking through the town back to the circus after a somewhat successful advertising campaign. Yasha had work to do, and so Caleb had taken her place. Mollymauk did enough talking for two people, so it was an easy job. He just had to carry the flyers. 

“I think that all went well, don’t you?” Mollymauk said, skipping up to a shop window and peering in at the assortment of fancy kitchenware displayed there. True to form, he was taking the heat into stride. He was wearing a loose blue dress that ended barely halfway down his thighs and, despite its floaty quality, managed to cling close to the curves of his body. Caleb was  _ not  _ staring. He tore his eyes away to look at the brightly colored sleeve of flower and snake tattoos winding around Mollymauk’s right arm. 

“I am sure someone will come.” Caleb signed when Mollymauk turned around. 

“At least one person.” Mollymauk predicted, grinning. He backpedaled so he was next to Caleb again and slowed his skipping. “Have you ever thought about doing an act for the show?”

“What would I do?” Caleb signed. “Make pretty lights?”

“No, I know you don’t want to do something by yourself.” Mollymauk said. “I was thinking us together. You could do lights or make Frumpkin do something, and I could...do flips?”

“No.” Caleb signed shortly. “I do not want to do that.” Mollymauk nodded, looking only a little disappointed.

“I didn’t think you would. I just thought I would ask, ‘cause why not?” he said. “I can live without doing an act. No one needs to see how bad I am at acrobatics.” Caleb made a face at him, and he laughed. “Well, maybe not acrobatics. But I’m fine with sticking to reading cards and lying to rich people about their futures.”

“You are good at that.” Caleb pointed out. A few months previously, Mollymauk had decided to convince a town that he was visiting royalty, just for fun. Caleb would never understand why that had been fun, or why the town had believed that this ridiculous purple tiefling was royalty, but it had worked, and they had ended up with a collection of gifts to sell in the next town over. Mollymauk had kept most of the jewelry he had been given, and he was currently wearing a set of moon stud earrings from that scheme. Frumpkin paused at the corner of the street and sat down to bathe himself while they caught up with him. Caleb scooped his familiar up and placed him on his shoulder.  _ We are going home,  _ Schatz,  _ no time to bathe right now. _ he thought at the cat, and received an irritated  _ mrrp _ for his troubles. Mollymauk reached over to scratch Frumpkin behind the ears.

“Well, well, what’s this?” Both Caleb and Mollymauk froze as a trio of very tall, very burly men with short cropped hair and identical square-jawed, leering faces came swaggering out of an alley and formed a wall across the sidewalk. Caleb instinctivly ducked behind Mollymauk and shook his hair down over his face. “Circus folk, walking about in the daylight as confident as you please?” the middle man sneered, folding his arms. There was a nasty dagger stuck in his belt, the edge of it serrated like a bread knife. “We can’t have that. This is a nice, proper town.”

“A nice, proper town where the folk like to greet visitors by threatening them? I’ll say.” Mollymauk observed, folding his arms and cocking his head to the side. Caleb twisted his sleeves, searching desperately for a way he could stop this situation from escalating. He reached over and traced out the word,  _ run _ , between Mollymauk’s shoulder blades. The tiefling nudged him with his tail. Caleb had no idea what that meant. They had to  _ leave _ . He fidgeted in his pocket and pulled out the lipstick he had borrowed from Mollymauk a few months previously and never given back. He stepped to the side so that all three men could see him and began to sign out a statement.

“What the fuck are you doing?” the leader asked. “You’re not trying to cast a spell on me, are you?” He stepped forward and reached for Caleb’s hands. Mollymauk stepped in between them and grabbed the man’s hand. 

“Now, let’s be civilized and keep our hands to ourselves.” he said, smiling. “We can solve this with words, can’t we?”

“He was trying to curse me!” the leader snapped. “I bet you’re trying, too,  _ tiefling _ .” He pulled the dagger out of his belt and lunged at Mollymauk. Mollymauk dodged him deftly and let loose a string of Infernal that cracked against Caleb’s ears and made the leader stumble backwards with a screech. Caleb grabbed Mollymauk’s hand and pulled him into a run, trying to get around the wall of man. One of the goons grabbed at Caleb and missed, but managed to get Frumpkin. The cat screeched and scratched at his hands, and the man roared and threw the cat to the ground. 

Miraculously, Frumpkin landed on his feet and hissed. Caleb instinctively shouted out the incantation for Fire Bolt and pointed at the man who had just thrown Frumpkin. A bolt of fire left his hands and hit the man directly in the chest. As the man stumbled backwards with a yell, Caleb felt a sudden sense of panic. What if the fire had missed? What if it had hit Mollymauk? He should not use fire. It was too dangerous. He was going to kill someone. He was going to burn down the whole town and take the circus with it. He could not be trusted. He needed to…

“ _ Caleb _ !” Mollymauk shouted, and Caleb felt something swish past his face as his friend lunged across the distance between him and the leader, who had been about to hit Caleb with the jagged dagger. Mollymauk grunted as it hit him in the shoulder, but somehow he managed to kick the man in the gut and twist the dagger out of his hands in a surprising burst of strength. The leader lunged at Mollymauk, but the tiefling dodged away from him and slashed at his arm. The dagger sliced deep into its former owner’s arm, and blood spurted out over his sleeve. The leader turned towards Caleb and lunged for him. Molly shouted, and the man’s eyes turned black. He screamed and raised his hands to his face, stumbling backwards.

“What the  _ fuck _ ?!” one of the other men yelled as their leader turned towards him. “What did you do to him?” He ran towards Mollymauk with his hands raised, and Mollymauk slashed at him. There was blood trickling down his neck that had not been there before. Caleb stared at the man who had been attacking him, then back at Mollymauk. Something he had read about once crept into his mind. There was an order of people with powers that did things like that.  _ Blood hunters. _

“Argh!” Mollymauk shouted, and Caleb whirled to see his friend shaking his hand. Blood was dripping down his wrist; he must have accidentally cut himself with the dagger.  _ The dagger _ . It was glowing with an icy blue aura. Mollymauk lunged again and stabbed the man in the shoulder. 

“Let’s get out of here!” the other man yelled, one arm around their leader’s shoulders. “These circus folk are crazy!”

“We’ll call the Crownsguard on you! Abominations!” the man who had just been stabbed added, backing away and following his friends. They disappeared down an alley, leaving Caleb and Mollymauk. 

“What the fuck?” Mollymauk said, staring at the glowing dagger in his hand. “I didn’t...I can... _ what the fuck _ .” Caleb pulled his scarf out of the pocket he had secreted it and began wrapping Mollymauk’s bleeding hand in it. His friend was trembling. Caleb tied off the makeshift bandage and rubbed Mollymauk’s shoulder in a vague attempt at comfort.

“We will figure it out.” he signed. “Let’s get back to the circus. I think...I think I know what this is.” Mollymauk dropped the dagger, kicked it into an alley, and slipped his uninjured hand into Caleb’s. Caleb squeezed his hand. “Promise.” he added, patting their entwined hands to finish the sign. 

\------

“Blood hunters.” Mollymauk said shortly, staring at Caleb. “What the fuck.” They were back in the tent, Mollymauk sitting cross-legged on the bed and Caleb perched on the chair. “So I can...control blood?”

“Basically.” Caleb signed. “I do not know a lot, but that is what I do know. The thing with the dagger...I think you can do that with any weapon.”

“What about the eyes? What was that?” Mollymauk asked, raising a hand to brush the spot on his neck where the blood had come spurting out. 

“I do not know.” Caleb signed. “That is something blood hunters can do, I believe. The legends...I have read that the way you gain these powers is drinking some sort of potion. But I do not know anything else.” Mollymauk’s tail twitched anxiously. 

“What the fuck was I doing before I died?” he asked. “Was this how I died? Manipulating people’s blood?” 

“Maybe.” Caleb signed. “I think...some blood hunters try to learn the secrets of death and they decide to have a near death experience. Maybe yours was more than near death.” 

“Fuck.” Mollymauk said. “That’s fucked up. Why did I  _ do  _ that? I must have been a power hungry asshole.”

“Probably.” Caleb signed, and Mollymauk threw a pillow at him.

“Not  _ helping _ , Caleb.” he said. “So I guess I should learn how to use a sword. If I can do this, I should be able to protect the circus.”

“Yasha could teach you.” Caleb suggested. 

“Yeah.” Mollymauk said. He chewed his lip. “You said...you said blood hunters come in cults. What if the one I was in comes looking for me?” Caleb had not thought of this.

“They left you in an unmarked grave in the middle of the woods.” he signed slowly. “I do not think they want to find you, if they did that. You must not have been important.”

“Good. I hope you’re right. I do  _ not  _ need that in my life.” Mollymauk declared. “ I’m going to go find Yasha and ask her to teach me how to use a sword.” He stood up and traipsed over to Caleb to plant a kiss on the top of his head. “Thank you for helping me, love.” he said, and walked out of the tent, leaving a blushing and flustered Caleb sitting alone in the tent. 

\------

It was fall, and the air was crisp and cool, perfect for Caleb to return to hiding in his coat. They were travelling north, towards Zadash. Caleb knew they would not be going past Blumenthal, but even so he could not help but feel anxious as his hometown drew nearer. What if someone recognized him? What if they knew what he had done? A few years ago, he would have gladly turned himself in to the authorities, but since he had confessed to Yasha, since she had accepted him despite what he had done, he had become doubtful of his state in the world. He was a garbage person, he was sure of that, but Yasha didn’t think so. Was he really awful? He had killed his parents, but had it been his fault? As the circus progressed northwards, he began having more sleepless nights staring up at the dark ceiling, turning these things over in his mind. 

One night, he was lying in his bedroll, tossing and turning and trying so hard to go to sleep, when he heard the sound of Molly sitting up and padding across the tent floor. He was clearly trying to be stealthy, but it was hard to do that on the textured canvas. Caleb waited until the tent flap had swished shut, then sat up and crept after him. It was not hard to follow Molly under the full moon, and Caleb made his quiet way around the tents and into the woods surrounding their campsite with ease. Molly stopped walking beside the small stream that ran through the woods and sat down on a rock beside the water. Caleb moved to sit near him, and his boot landed on a twig. The sound cracked through the woods, and Molly jumped to his feet, his hands up in a fighting stance. 

“Caleb, what are you doing awake?” he asked, his hands falling when he saw Caleb standing there. 

“Couldn’t sleep.” Caleb signed, moving to stand closer to Molly. “What are  _ you _ doing awake?” Molly looked at the trees, clearly trying to think up an excuse.

“I couldn’t sleep either.” he said finally. “There’s a lot in my brain right now. Has been for a while.” 

“Since…” Caleb made a vague slashing motion. Molly smiled a little and ran his fingers through his hair. It was past his chin now, and fell in gentle waves around his ears and, on occasion, into his eyes. 

“Yeah.” he said. “I’m worried...about those people. I know they won’t be looking actively but...what if they accidentally find me? What if they try and take me back and kill you and Yasha and everyone in the circus in the process?” Caleb stared up at the stars, trying to collect his thoughts.

“I do not think they will.” he signed slowly. “And if they do, we will fight them. They will not take you back. They will not kill us. Not if I have anything to do with it.” Molly’s tail lashed anxiously, and Caleb reached over to take his hand and give it a squeeze. “I told you about the blood hunters weeks ago.” he signed, dropping Molly’s hand. “Have you been worrying about it for that long?” Molly looked sheepish, and Caleb sighed. “Why didn’t you say anything?” he asked. Molly shrugged.

“I didn’t want you worrying any more than you already do.” he said. Caleb smiled slightly and took his hand back. Molly sat down again and tugged Caleb with him. They leaned against each other on the small space of the rock, watching the stream burbling along in the moonlight. Molly nestled his head on Caleb’s shoulder, and Caleb felt that feeling that he always felt around Molly wash over him in greater force than it had ever been. He could kiss Molly, right now. He could, but would he? He would not. He was too weak, too cowardly to just tell Molly the things that had been buried in him for so long. What was he afraid of? If Molly rejected him, nothing would change. Molly was not that kind of person. Molly would never stop being his friend just because Caleb had declared his love for him. Was he afraid that Molly would say yes? He didn’t want Molly to love him like this, without knowing everything about him. Molly would love the Caleb he thought he knew, the Caleb who had not killed his parents, the Caleb who had not killed so many other people in the name of the king. Molly would never love the real Caleb. 

“I think I’m ready to go back.” Molly yawned, shifting so that he was snuggled closer to Caleb. “I’m...I’m tired now.” He made no move to leave, though, and they stayed on the rock for a few more minutes before Molly yawned again and stood up, dropping Caleb’s hand. 

“You go back.” Caleb signed. “I want to stay here for a little longer.” Molly nodded and paused, something on the tip of his tongue.

“Don’t stay out too late.” he said finally, smiling. Caleb watched him walk away until he had disappeared into the darkness of the woods. 

_ What the hell am I doing? _ he thought to himself, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes.  _ What was I thinking, falling in love? _ He could not think of an answer.

\------

It stormed the next day, and when the storm finally broke it took Yasha with it. Caleb knew that before he had come into her life, Yasha followed storms whenever they came by, but this was the first one she had left with since then. He missed her, of course, but he knew she would be back. Yasha was dependable like that. He could rely on her to always come back. A few days later, the ground finally dried out from the intense rain, and Molly dragged Caleb to the nearest field so he could practice his swordplay and acrobatics. Caleb settled himself against a tree that stood in the middle of the grass to read, which turned into petting Frumpkin when his familiar tired of trying to catch Molly’s tail as the tiefling cartwheeled across the grass and instead decided to sit on top of Caleb’s book. 

Molly was in the middle of a backbend when Caleb spotted the person crossing the field. He shoved Frumpkin off of his lap and put his book back into his bag, wanting to be prepared for conflict. Molly must have noticed Caleb’s sudden movements, because he flopped back onto the grass and sat up. 

“What’s up, Caleb?” he asked. Caleb pointed at the rapidly approaching figure. He was an elf, that was clear. His hair was short, dark, and spiked, and he had warm brown skin and a sharp, thin face. He was wearing a long dark green cloak that concealed his clothes and a heavy pack with the edge of a buckler poking over the top. 

“Ahoy!” he called, his voice carrying across the field. “Can you help me with directions? I’m trying to get to Allfield.”

“No idea where that is, sorry!” Molly called back. The man came right up to them and stopped, regarding them both with an intrigued eye.

“And who might you folks be?” he asked. “It’s not often I see a tiefling and a human in the middle of nowhere.”

“Strange things happen every day.” Molly said mysteriously. “It’s not every day we see an elven man walking around by himself.”

“I’m just a traveler passing through.” the man said casually. “I’m going to visit my cousin. Are you from around here?” 

“We’re from everywhere and nowhere.” Molly said, waving his hand through the air. “What is your name?”

“Llewellyn.” the man said, bowing. “At your service. And you are…?”

“Mollymauk.” Molly said. “Molly to my friends. And this is Caleb.” He indicated Caleb, who had remained in his place by the tree. “We’re with the circus.”

“Ahh. Interesting. Do you have a show tonight?” Llewellyn asked eagerly. 

“Probably.” Molly said, shrugging. He turned towards Caleb, who nodded. “Caleb says yes.”

“Does he talk?” Llewellyn asked, frowning. 

“Does that matter?” Molly asked, his tail twitching in irritation and beheading a wildflower. 

“No.” Llewellyn said, looking embarrassed. “I mean, yes. If he’s been cursed, or something. I can check, hold on.” 

“I have not been cursed.” Caleb signed, his hands jabbing through the air in irritation, but Llewellyn had already started the incantation for what Caleb assumed was Detect Magic. Something flashed, and he turned his head to the side. 

“You’ve got some interesting magic in you.” he said, pointing at Molly. “It’s...interesting. Yeah. And there’s a lot of magic on you. Caleb, was it?” 

“I am a wizard.” Caleb signed, glaring. He did not trust this man. 

“Huh.” Llewellyn said, pausing. “There’s something else here. The rest of it is wizard magic, but...there’s a curse of some sort on you.” Caleb froze, staring at him.

“A curse?” he signed. 

“A  _ curse _ ?” Molly echoed. “What sort of curse?”

“I can’t tell. It’s an enchantment, that’s all I’m getting.” Llewellyn. “There aren’t a lot of things it could be, but I don’t really know. Whatever it is, I’m sure Greater Restoration could take care of it, which I can cast. I’ll need a lot of diamond dust, though.” He started muttering to himself, drumming his fingers on his chin. Caleb picked Frumpkin up and hugged him. He had no idea what curse it could be, but he knew for sure it had to have been from Ikithon. There was no one else it could be. Had Ikithon put a geas on him? He shuddered. Wouldn’t he know if Ikithon had done that? He wouldn’t know. What had Ikithon  _ done _ ? What if it was something that meant the other wizards could follow him. They were coming for him, weren’t they? He was leading them right to the circus, right to his friends. He shut his eyes and hid his face in Frumpkin’s fur, trying his very best to breathe normally. 

He felt Molly’s hands on his shoulders, and Molly’s forehead leaning against his head.

“Hey, Caleb, you’re OK.” he murmured. “We’re going to fix this. Caleb,  _ breathe _ .” Caleb tried to take a breath, but his lungs weren’t working, and the air stuck in his throat. “Fuck,  _ fuck _ .” Molly muttered. He wrapped his arms around Caleb and rubbed his back in firm circles. Caleb dropped Frumpkin and tucked his face into Molly’s chest. The pressure of Molly’s hands on his back and the steady rise and fall of Molly’s breathing calmed him down eventually, and he sat up, rubbing the tears from his face. Molly smiled faintly at him and leaned over to kiss him on the forehead. He lingered for just a few seconds longer than usual, and cupped Caleb’s face in his hands, brushing the remaining tears away. “Better?” Caleb nodded, and Molly took his hands to help him up. “Here’s the plan. Llewellyn has to go into town to buy some supplies.”

“Diamond dust.” Caleb signed, dropping Molly’s hands. “A lot.” 

“Yeah. Yeah! How did you know that?” Molly said. 

“Wizard school.” Caleb signed, smiling shakily. Molly took his hand again and hesitated. 

“Do you want...whatever it is in your head fixed?” he asked. “Was that what you were panicking about?” Caleb studied his face, chewing his lip. Finally, he nodded. “Are you just...afraid of what it is in there?” Another nod. Molly sighed and squeezed his hand. “OK. OK. That’s good. Let’s go back.” They started across the field, walking slowly. When they returned to the tent, Caleb settled down into a corner and did his best to read his book. He was unable to focus, and he spent the next three hours rereading the same page over and over again, his brain whirling around and around, screaming every single possibility of what the curse Ikithon had put into his head was. He did not sleep well that night.

\------

Llewellyn showed up at 10:14 precisely the next morning, carrying a heavy sack with bits of diamond clinging to the outside under one arm and an ornately carved staff in his free hand. Caleb had not seen the staff the previous day, and he wondered at Llewellyn’s ability to hide such a thing. His wonderings were dashed when the top of the staff accidentally folded down and snapped against his hand. 

“Aw, shit.” Llewellyn muttered, setting the bag down on the table and folding the end of his staff back up. 

“That’s interesting.” Molly said, walking over to him and poking the staff. “Did you make that?”

“A friend.” Llewellyn said casually. “All right, let’s start this. You can sit wherever, I don’t mind.” Caleb stayed on the bed, watching the cleric with quiet suspicion. Molly sat next to him and took his hand. Llewellyn picked up the bag and began to make a circle on the bed with it, making neat mountains until the bag was empty. Molly had to scoot over, but he kept his hold on Caleb’s hand. Caleb was grateful for it; he was shaking like crazy. What was he afraid of?  _ He was afraid of finding out what Ikithon had taken from him. He was afraid of reliving his past. He was afraid this would mean Molly would  _ know. Llewellyn took a deep breath, placed a hand on Caleb’s shoulder, and began to chant. The diamonds started to glow, and Caleb shut his eyes against the arcane light. He tightened his grip on Molly as the spell washed over him, and all at once he was hit with a memory.

_ He was lying in bed at home, Frumpkin curled up against his stomach under the covers and purring like crazy. He remembered this. This was when he had heard his parents discussing treason. As he lay there in the memory, he heard his parents murmuring in the next room, and he turned his head to listen to their voices, letting them lull him to sleep. _

_ “I’m worried about Bren.” his mother said, and he jolted out of his reverie, focusing on her words. She didn’t need to worry about him. “I don’t know what they’re doing up at that school, but he comes home skinny and he won’t tell us anything about what they’re learning. Just that it’s for the greater good of the Empire.” _

_ “It is probably top secret, Una.” his father sighed. “I am sure he is skinny because he is doing a lot of physical activity.” _

_ “It’s not  _ healthy _ , Leofric, you know that.” his mother exclaimed. “I don’t know what that Ikithon man is doing to him, but I’m worried.” _

_ “Do not worry too much, dear.” his father said gently. “I am sure he is fine. He would tell us if he were not.” His mother murmured something, too quiet for him to hear, and the conversation turned away from talking about him. He smiled to himself. His mother worried too much. He was fine. Ikithon was working him hard, sure, but it was for the greater good. He was getting stronger. The pain would only make him more powerful in the end. He snuggled down under the covers and went to sleep.  _

_ The memory jumped forward a few days. He was walking through the doors of the Solytryce Academy, refreshed from his visit with his parents and looking forward to seeing his friends, especially Astrid, again. As he was moving towards the stairs to his dormitory, he was intercepted by Ikithon.  _

_ “My dear boy, welcome back!” Ikithon exclaimed, taking Caleb’s hands into his own. His eyes glowed, and he began to talk, and Caleb was entranced. “You will remember that you heard your parents talking about overthrowing King Dwendal, among other heinous acts.” he said. “You were ashamed, and horrified, and you knew what you might have to do; warn me. You spent the rest of your trip agonizing over your parents betrayal.” There was a flash, and he was standing alone in the hall. He shook his head and continued on towards the stairs. _

He snapped back to the present with an awful lurch. Llewellyn was saying something, but his ears were filled with the echoing words of Ikithon’s spell. He was shaking, and his eyes were filled with static. Molly said his name, but he could not respond. He curled into a ball, wrapping his arms around himself.  _ His parents had not committed treason. Ikithon had modified his memory. Ikithon had manipulated him more than he had ever thought. His parents were innocent. They had not deserved any punishment, least of all death. He had killed his parents for no reason. He really was a murderer.  _

“Caleb, what’s wrong? Caleb? Can you hear me?” Caleb let out a low moan, and Molly’s arms were around him, holding him. “ _ Shh, shh _ , you’re safe. You’re  _ safe _ , Caleb, love.” Caleb turned his face into Molly’s chest and let the sobs that were clamoring in the depths of his chest to come pouring out of him. Molly rubbed his back and pressed the occasional kiss to the top of his head. Slowly, very slowly, the sobs slowed and Caleb collapsed into Molly’s arms, wrung out by...everything. Molly leaned his forehead against the top of Caleb’s head and began absently carding his fingers through the tangle of Caleb’s hair. Caleb pressed himself closer to the tiefling until he was practically in his lap, curling one hand tight around the hem of Molly’s shirt. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Molly asked suddenly, his breath brushing warm against Caleb’s head. “What you...remembered?” Caleb shook his head. “OK. That’s fine. Fuck, I wish Yasha were here.” He sighed and kissed Caleb on the top of the head again. “We can just stay here, if that’s what you need.” Caleb nodded and shifted so that his head was leaning against Molly’s shoulder. He was fine with this. He did not need to talk about anything. He just needed Molly.


	3. Affettuo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Affettuo: Tender
> 
> Trigger Warning:   
> Caleb backstory-typical abuse, trauma, scar stuff, discussion of such: "I was born in the town of Blumenthal to Una and Leofric Ermendrud." to “Caleb. Look at me.” Molly said abruptly,"

Caleb fell asleep eventually, but Molly kept holding him. Maybe it was because he was afraid Caleb would wake up alone and think Molly had left him. He remembered when he had felt like that, not too long ago, every time he had awoken to an empty tent. More likely, it was because he needed the weight of Caleb in his arms to keep himself from panicking. What had Llewellyn taken out of Caleb's mind that had caused him to get...like this? Molly knew nothing about magic, least of all cleric magic, but he suspected that somehow, Caleb had been made to remember  _ something _ from his past. It was the best explanation he had. 

Molly had never put a lot of thought to Caleb's past. When he had been...new...he had not had the space in his brain to consider things like that, and once he had gotten better at thinking and everything else, he had come to the solid conclusion that he didn't care about other people's pasts. That was their business, not his, and if they wanted to tell him that was fine. He knew a little bit about Yasha, but absolutely nothing about Caleb. Yasha had told him how she had found Caleb, and of  _ course _ he had tried to parse out what could bring a nice young wizard to that moment in time, but he hadn't given it much thought since. It was a mystery that could remain unknown. At least, until now. 

Now, Molly was breaking his own rule about not wondering about the past. What had happened to Caleb that had left him with a curse which, when taken away, shattered him into pieces like this? As he wondered, he unconsciously tightened his hold around Caleb's shoulders. Whatever it was, Molly was going to hunt it down and destroy it completely. He would let nothing that hurt Caleb like this live.  _ Nothing _ . 

The flap of the tent opened, and Gustav poked a cautious head in. His eyebrows creased when he saw Caleb curled up in Molly's arms.

“Did something happen with...with the spell, or whatever?” he asked, stepping completely into the tent proper and moving across the floor to sit in one of the chairs. “Did it go wrong?”

“I don’t think so.” Molly said. “Llewellyn thinks whatever his spell took away brought back memories. Bad ones.” Gustav nodded and worried the edge of his vest. 

“Has Caleb ever told you anything about his past?” he asked. 

“Nope. Nothing other than what everyone else knows.” Molly said. Caleb shifted slightly, and Molly adjusted his hold on his friend. “I’m...worried...that there’s something really bad in Caleb’s past that he’s not telling us.”

“I don’t think it’s a question of if, I think it’s a question of what.” Gustav said quietly, staring at Caleb with thoughtful eyes. “There’s definitely something wrong in his past. When Caleb first came to us, I did some poking around. I...might have found a little something that might be what we’re looking for. After that night, I went into Blumenthal, asked around. The people Yasha fought and killed, they were visiting from the Soltryce Academy, in Rexxentrum. A mage, Trent Ikithon, and his students. They were from Blumenthal. Eodwulf Wagner and Astrid Schmidt. There was another student, Bren Ermendrud, who was with them. He vanished, and was presumed dead. His family home burned down, and the bodies of Ikithon, Wagner, and Schmidt were found in front of it. Everyone assumed that Ermendrud had killed them and vanished into the woods. There was a search for him that came up empty. We moved on to the next town. The authorities never investigated the circus. Caleb matches the description for Ermendrud. At least, he did three years ago.” 

“Yikes.” Molly said. He was unable to come up with much more to say to this new information. 

“The Wagners and the Schmidts were found dead in their homes.” Gustav added, as an afterthought. “The Wagners were killed with some sort of spell, and the Schmidts were poisoned. The authorities could not figure out why. They suspect Ermendrud...Caleb.” 

“His house was burned down.” Molly said. A memory had surfaced from the depths of his mind: Caleb firing a bolt of flame at the men who had attacked them the day Molly had discovered his blood powers. Caleb freezing in horror as the man stumbled backwards, a burn in the center of his chest. Caleb blanking out for an awful few seconds afterwards. With the memory came a terrible idea. What if Caleb had burned his house down? Yasha had described the people with Caleb as trying to keep him from doing something, trying to hold him. What if they were trying to stop him from lashing out? Molly could not imagine Caleb killing someone, but  _ what if _ ? What if that was what he had remembered? He tightened his hold on Caleb, as if that could protect him from whatever it was that had happened to him. 

“Yasha should be back soon.” Gustav said. “She might know something. Caleb trusts her more than anyone. Except for you, maybe.” He pulled his pocket watch out of his vest and frowned at it. “Looks like it’s time for me to start this show.” He slipped through the tent and left Molly and Caleb alone. Molly straightened up and carefully transferred Caleb from his lap to the bed proper, tucking the blankets around him. Caleb moaned quietly and turned over, his hands curling around the blankets and pulling them close to his chest. Molly tucked a lock of hair behind Caleb’s ear and pressed a kiss to his forehead. 

“We’ll figure it out, love.” he promised the sleeping wizard. “It’s going to be fine.” He was saying it more for himself. Things were going to be fine. Caleb was going to be fine. 

\------

Yasha came back later that evening with leaves stuck in her hair and mud splattered all over her boots. Normally when she returned from her trips, she looked at peace and very satisfied with her life, but when she came through the flap of the tent she looked worried.

“Gustav told me something happened with Caleb.” she said. “He was very vague.” Molly explained as best he could what had happened with Llewellyn’s spell. When he had finished his story, Yasha chewed her lip and stared down at the sleeping Caleb. 

“Do you know what could have made him...like that?” Molly asked tentatively, fidgeting with the end of his tail. Yasha ran her fingers through her hair, dislodging a clod of dirt and a few leaves. 

“Not...specifically.” she said. “There was a man…a terrible man, in Caleb’s past. He might have changed Caleb’s memory somehow, or put something in there, that might have caused this. I know...but that is Caleb’s story to tell.”

“Gustav thought you would know more about him than any of us.” Molly said quietly. 

“Yes.” Yasha said matter-of-factly. They watched Caleb sleeping for a few moments. Abruptly, Yasha turned to Molly and stared him directly in the eyes. “If Caleb told you something that he had done, something too terrible to fathom, would you abandon him?” she asked. Molly stared at her in alarm.

“Yasha...what?” he asked. “What do you mean?”

“If Caleb did something terrible, that was not his fault, but was still terrible, would you abandon him?” Yasha repeated. 

“No! Fuck, no. Who do you think I am?” Molly exclaimed. “I would never abandon Caleb.”

“I know.” Yasha said. Molly stared down at his hands, clenching them into fists and trying to stop them from shaking. He felt sick with anxiety. What was Yasha talking about? Had Caleb really killed someone...his parents? That was not Yasha’s job to tell him, but...he needed to know. He wanted to protect Caleb from this.

“Yasha…” he said, then trailed off. He fidgeted with the edge of his tunic. “Did Caleb kill someone? Gustav said something and...it’s just stupid worrying. But. Did he?” Yasha didn’t meet his eyes, and Molly felt his chest tightening in fear, not for himself, but for Caleb. 

“That man, he hurt Caleb in ways that even I never imagined until he told me.” Yasha said. “You will have to ask Caleb.” Molly looked at Caleb, his mind roiling with thoughts of what on earth Yasha could be referring to. The problem was, he did not know if Caleb would even tell him what had happened. Caleb did not trust people easily, Molly knew that. Did Caleb trust him? He had known Caleb for his entire existence, but to Caleb, Molly was a small blip in a long line of people. There was no reason for Caleb to trust him. Was there? Molly had come very close to killing someone to protect Caleb, and if those men had not run away, he probably would have. Caleb had only known him for six months, but he had only been alive for six months. As he worried, Yasha came to sit next to him and gave him a hug around the shoulders. Yasha was not generally a hugging person, so this was a huge gesture coming from her. Molly leaned into her and hugged her back.

“I'm sorry I made you worry.” Yasha said. 

“I would have been worrying anyway, it’s not new.” Molly quipped. “He’s going to be OK. Right?”

“I think so.” Yasha mused. “The man is dead. Everything from his old life is gone, for better or worse. We will make sure he is fine.”

“We’re his family now.” Molly said thoughtfully. 

“I guess we are.” Yasha said. She was quiet for a long time. “I would not ask for a different family if I could.” she said finally. “Except...never mind. I am happy with you and Caleb.”

“And the rest of the circus?” Molly asked. Yasha nodded. “I don’t know what other families are like, but I bet this one is pretty weird.” Molly observed. Yasha chuckled. She sounded a little choked up. 

“Just a little.” she said. Molly hugged her tighter, and she leaned her head on top of his. 

“I love you, Yasha.” Molly said.

“I love you too, Molly.” Yasha said. “I should go check in with Gustav.” She did not move, and they stayed on the bed for a few minutes more, until Yasha sighed and went out of the tent to go talk to Gustav. Molly watched her go, smiling slightly. He was a little worried about Yasha, too, but he trusted that she was fine. The storms were what kept her fine. The bed creaked, and he turned to see Caleb sitting up and rubbing the side of his face. 

“Good morning, love.” Molly said gently, turning to face him. “How are you feeling?” Caleb pulled his legs up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, his eyebrows creasing together. Molly moved to sit next to him and rubbed his shoulder. “Do you want to talk about it...now?” Caleb shook his head emphatically and leaned his head against Molly’s shoulder. Molly kissed him tentatively on the top of the head. “Yasha’s back.” he said. “She went to talk to Gustav, but she’ll be back here soon, I’m sure.” he said. Caleb sat up and twisted the blankets between his hands. 

“Need to tell you something.” he signed, his hands fluttering and shaking their way through the signs so that it was hard to read them. “When Yasha gets back.” He spelled Yasha’s name out, probably not trusting himself to fully sign out her name. 

“OK.” Molly said, putting his hand on Caleb’s knee. Caleb glanced jerkily at it, then slid his fingers through Molly’s. Molly rubbed his thumb over Caleb’s knuckles and smiled at him. The tent fabric swished, and Yasha came back into the tent. 

“Gustav is letting me have the day off, for some reason.” she announced. “Good morning, Caleb.” 

“I am going to tell him.” Caleb signed. Yasha frowned at him.

“Are you sure?” she asked. “From what Molly told me, you are pretty shaken up from yesterday.”

“I need to.” Caleb signed, his hands dancing in large, emphatic symbols. Yasha looked at him, folding her arms and drumming her fingers over her biceps. 

“It is your decision.” she said finally, and sat down on the bed next to him. Molly moved to the end of the bed so that he could see Caleb’s hands better and folded his tail neatly in his lap. 

“I’m listening.” he said. Caleb rubbed his hands over his legs, then began to sign out the story of his life. 

“I was born in the town of Blumenthal to Una and Leofric Ermendrud. We were poor, but we were happy. We had everything we needed. I had lots of other children to play with, and whenever we could scrape together enough money, I had books. I loved to read...I still do, but…” He rubbed his hands over his thighs again. “I was smart, very smart. People noticed. They talked of the Soltryce Academy. That is the school in Rexxentrum, for magic users. I worked very hard, so hard. One year, when I was fifteen, the people from the Academy came to our town, and they tested all the children, and they picked me and two of my friends. Everyone was so excited for us. Three poor kids from our tiny town, going to the city!

“We worked hard at the Academy, and we were noticed there, too. A man named Trent Ikithon, one of the head mages there, saw that the three of us were powerful and smart and clever, and he handpicked us to be his students, to learn from him, to grow so much more powerful and…” Caleb stopped again, running his hands up and down his legs, rocking himself back and forth with the motion. Yasha put a hand on his shoulder. Molly wanted to reach across the bed and hold him, but he stayed where he was.

“He was cruel, but we worshiped him. He was giving us the tools we needed to make our families proud. He hurt us. He told us it was making us stronger, and we believed him. He…” Caleb shut his eyes, chewed his lip, then took a shuddering breath and pulled back the sleeve of his shirt. Molly had seen his scars in passing, but never up close, never like this. They covered his forearm in neat hash marks, barely visible against Caleb’s pale skin. Molly’s hand drifted to his own arm scars, and he wondered what had caused them. Caleb pushed his other sleeve up to reveal the same thing on the other arm. 

“He did this to me.” Caleb signed, his hands shaking so hard they almost mangled the signs. “He wanted...to see if putting crystals in us would...make us more powerful. So he did. And we let him. It hurt  _ so much _ , but we never questioned him. How could we? He was our teacher. He was everything. He was giving us the world. And we were serving the country. We were so proud to be ridding the empire of traitors and those who would do harm. We did not personally kill anyone, but we learned to root out the evil at the heart of the country. 

“Towards the end of my time at school, we went home to Blumenthal to visit. We did not tell our parents what he was doing to us, but I think they suspected. They were worried about us. Of course they were. I came home pale and thin and looking like I had not slept in years. The last night I was home, I was lying awake petting Frumpkin, when I heard my parents talking. They were discussing me, and Ikithon. They thought that Ikithon was corrupting me and making me a ‘patriot’. They wanted to pull me out of the program because they were afraid it would compromise their ‘mission’. I overheard them talking treason. It was not specific, but I was sure that they were planning something awful, and I was horrified. When we got back to school, my...friends...and I, we talked and we learned that all of us had heard the same thing. We went to Ikithon and told him everything we had heard. We were loyal. Of course we were going to tell our teacher of the treason. They were our parents, but we were servants of the Empire, and that did not change that they were talking about treason. 

“Ikithon told us that this was very good. We did not know what he meant. He told us...he told us that this fit into his plans perfectly. We would prove our loyalty by...by…” Caleb’s hands started shaking too much to sign, and he shoved them between his knees.

“You don’t have to keep going.” Molly said quietly. “If you are not comfortable.” He had an idea of where this was going, and he felt sick with rage at what Ikithon had done. Caleb shook his head. He chewed on his lip, then closed his eyes.

“I can...can keep going.” he said. His voice was faint and crackled with disuse. Both Molly and Yasha stared at him in surprise. “I am fine.” He took another deep, shaky breath. “Ikithon...wanted us...to prove our loyalty to him and the Empire...by killing our parents for their treason.” Molly was expecting that result, but hearing Caleb say it hit him harder than he had expected. He reached across the bed and took Caleb’s hand. Caleb did not look at him, but he held on tightly to Molly. “We went back to Blumenthal. We went to...Eodwulf’s house, and he killed his parents over the dinner table. Astrid…” His voice shattered on that name, and he shut his eyes against the tears that had started leaking down his face. Molly squeezed his hand. “Astrid poisoned her parents. And I...you probably figured that part out.” He took a deep breath. “We propped a cart against...the...against the door...and I...I lit it on fire.” As he spoke, his voice grew softer and softer, until it reached the final statement, when it was barely a whisper. Yasha put her arm around his shoulders.

They sat in silence, the only sound Caleb’s quiet obs.sobs Finally, Molly spoke.

“I’m glad that fucker is dead.” he said. Caleb looked up at him, his eyes wide in surprise. “If he wasn’t, I would have hunted him down and killed him myself for what he did to you.”

“There is more.” Caleb said, his words choked with tears. “Llewellyn, the spell...Ikithon modified my memory. That was what I remembered, why I broke down...again. I did not hear my parents talking treason.  _ He _ put that there. He made me think that my parents were planning to...I don’t even know. They were just talking about how they were worried about me. They wanted to...to take me out of the program...because they...they…” He covered his face with his free hand.

“It was even less your fault, then.” Yasha said. “He tricked you. Caleb, you were still a child when he got his claws into you. Of course you did what he told you. It was not your fault. He had to use a spell to convince you to kill your parents. Do you think he could have done that without that?”

“I don’t  _ know _ .” Caleb whispered. “I still...that was my magic that burned the house down. A spell dosen’t change that. I killed them. That was me. Not Ikithon, not anyone else.  _ Me _ .”

“Caleb. Look at me.” Molly said abruptly, scooting forward and taking his other hand. Caleb looked up at him, his mouth open to say something. “It wasn’t your fault. Yasha is right. That man manipulated you into killing your parents. It wasn’t your fault. I think...in my past, I probably consciously killed people. I'm sure I did, based on what you told me about blood hunters. That’s not me anymore. I still did that, but it wasn’t me. This is the same. You were a different person.” Caleb started to say something, but Molly kept going. “You were a scared child and he took that and he manipulated you into becoming his little servant, doing whatever he thought you ought to do. Your hands cast that spell, your magic burned down that house, but it  _ wasn’t you _ .” Caleb closed his mouth and stared at Molly, his blue eyes wide. “You are not that person anymore.” Molly added. “You can make a new life. Here. With us. You have made a new life. Bren Ermendrud is in the past. He burned in that fire. You are Caleb Widogast. You are my friend, and…” He stopped there. No need to go that far, just now. 

“Yasha and I know you, Caleb.” he continued. “You are a good person. I see that. You looked after me when I was new. You were always so gentle and patient, even on my bad days, even on  _ your _ bad days. Yasha’s known you for far longer than that, but I’m sure she’ll say the same things. You are a good person. It was not your fault.  _ It was not your fault _ .” Caleb had stopped crying, probably out of shock. Molly smiled at him and kissed him on the forehead. Caleb dropped Molly’s hands and pulled him into a hug, which Molly had not been expecting. He melted into the embrace and wrapped his arms around Caleb, rubbing his friend’s back. Yasha joined them, and they sat on the bed holding on to each other for a long time. 

\------

Caleb did not sleep very well that week. Molly, who often had bad nights when nightmares he could barely understand plagued his sleep, had caught him sitting on the bed reading in the middle of the night as if he had never even tried going to sleep. Molly was not sure what to do about these situations. The first few nights it happened, he stayed in his bedroll listening to the turning pages. After a week had gone by, Molly came to a decision. That night, he woke up gasping from a confusing dream about drowning in dirt while a woman with a book laughed and shoved him further into the ground. When he had steadied his shaking breaths, he looked over at the bed. Caleb had his back to him, but Molly suspected he was probably awake.

“Caleb?” he whispered. The wizard shifted and rolled over to look at him.

“Why are you awake, Mollymauk?” he asked blearily. 

“You’re awake.” Molly pointed out, grinning up at him. “I can’t sleep, and I figured you couldn’t either.” Caleb pushed himself up into a sitting position. Frumpkin wriggled out from under the blankets to climb into his lap, and he scratched the cat behind the ears. Molly moved over to sit next to the bed and rubbed Frumpkin’s back. “Do you...want to go look at the stars?” he asked. Caleb stared at him. “I don’t know why I just thought of that.” Molly said, shrugging. “It might be fun?”

“ _ Ja _ .” Caleb said. “That would be nice.” He picked Frumpkin up and slid out of bed, leading the way out of the tent. The circus was camping on the top of a hill, and they could see the whole town spread out below them in the valley. Caleb walked to the edge of the campsite and sat down on a rock with Frumpkin on his lap. Molly flopped down next to him and stared up at the stars. 

“Look at that.” he said, pointing up at a constellation right above their heads. “That’s the Cat. Gustav told me that it used to be a loyal pet cat who saved her owner from a raiding party and died in the process. The Moonweaver put her spirit in the sky to continue to keep watching over everyone and make sure that they were safe.”

“I have never heard that story.” Caleb said quietly, hugging Frumpkin to his chest.

“Gustav probably made it up.” Molly said, shrugging. “That one’s the Warrior. He had a forbidden love and his superior officers killed both of them. That’s his lover, next to him. They got to be together in the skies, and they watch over people like them. Next to them is the Bear. She was a familiar who was so loyal to her wizard that the gods decided she deserved to be put in the stars when she died.”

“I do not think that is how familiars work.” Caleb said, a smile dancing briefly over his lips. He slid off of the rock to sit next to Molly on the grass. “You made those stories up yourself, didn’t you?”

“However did you know?” Molly asked, putting his hand to his chest in mock surprise. “The cat one was all Gustav, but the rest were me.” Caleb sighed, his face suddenly melting into a worried, pensive expression. “Are you all right?” Molly leaned his shoulder against Caleb’s.

“Why do you and Yasha still...care about me?” Caleb asked, not looking at Molly. “You know what I did. You cannot imagine what I would have done if I had not broken. Why are you still treating me like...like you always have?” Molly’s chest tightened in sadness, and he put his hand on Caleb’s thigh, rubbing his thumb over the fabric of Caleb’s trousers. 

“Because we love you.” he said. “You’re our family. Of course we still care about you.”  _ Of course I still care about you, Caleb Widogast. Don’t think I’m so weak as to fall out of love with you because of your traumatic backstory. _ He surprised himself at that thought. He had never explicitly told himself that he loved Caleb. He had known for a long time, but he had never said it. He loved Caleb Widogast. He did! He felt like yelling it at the stars, if not for...Caleb being there. 

“I killed my last family.” Caleb said to the grass. “Maybe it wasn’t my fault, but I did.” 

“I know.” Molly said quietly. “I also know that it was years ago, and I know that you are a different person now.”

“Am I?” Caleb asked, staring directly into Molly’s eyes. 

“I don’t know.” Molly said. “That’s for you to know. But...what I know, is that I love this Caleb.” There. He had said it. “I love you for so many reasons, and I’m not the kind of person who runs away at the first sign of darkness.”

“Molly...you’ve been alive for barely a year.” Caleb said. “How do you know what love is?”

“I don’t. You’re right. I don’t know what love is.” Molly said. “I think I love you. But, gods, if this isn’t love, I don’t know what else it could be.” They stared at each other. 

“I have been in love once before.” Caleb said quietly. “It burned in me, and then it took me and it consumed me. I am not sure I know what love is, either.” He looked up at the stars and didn’t say anything. Frumpkin crawled out of his lap and trotted back to the circus, as if he wanted to give them privacy. “What do you think love is?” Caleb asked suddenly, not taking his eyes off of the sky. Molly fidgeted with his tail. 

“Love is...love is like the sky. It’s always there, and endless, and it’s so big that you can’t fathom it.” he said. “And it changes sometimes, and there are so many different things in it, but it’s always up there. I think...it’s also like the flowers. There’s so many different kinds, and they’re so beautiful, and they’re everywhere. You can gather them up and give them to one person, or to many people, or you can just sit and look at them in the grass or on other people.” Caleb was looking at him now. There was something unfathomable in his eyes, something confusing and huge and strange and...soft. 

“Mollymauk,” he murmured, and then stopped, his words falling softly into the cool fall air. Molly reached out and took his hands.

“You don’t have to love me back, Caleb.” he said. “I don’t mind. You’re still my family, and that’s enough.” Caleb was quiet for a few more minutes. 

“I need to think.” he said finally. He slipped his hands out of Molly’s, stood up, and walked back to the tents. Molly watched him leaving, then turned back to look up at the stars. 

\------

He walked slowly back to the tent an hour later, his hands tucked into his pockets. He was sad, of course, but mostly for Caleb’s apparent inability to believe that someone could love him unconditionally. Molly could live without requited love. He had his whole life in front of him to find someone. Right now, that person was Caleb, and he was not going to stop loving him anytime soon, but Molly felt that someday he would move on. As he approached the tent, he saw a light flickering, and he hesitated, listening to the quiet words filtering through the fabric.

“...hurt him.” Caleb was saying, and he sounded like he had been crying.

“I do not think you could ever hurt Molly.” Yasha said. “I told you, he loves you.”

“I know.” Caleb said thickly. “I know that.” Yasha sighed.

“Then, what are you waiting for?” she asked. 

“I don’t know.” Caleb whispered. “I don’t know. I think...I am afraid it will go the same way as the last time.” 

“It won’t.” Yasha said matter of factly. “I know that.” The outline of Caleb’s shadow moved as if he were signing, and Yasha responded. Molly walked around the tent and slipped through the flap, his heart pounding. Yasha and Caleb were sitting at the table. Caleb leapt to his feet when he saw Molly.

“Caleb…” Molly began, but Caleb was already across the tent and holding his hands. 

“I am sorry I did not say this right away.” he said. “I had to work some things out, I had to figure myself out, I do not know what was stopping me, I was so...I was stupid, Mollymauk. I am sorry for that.” He looked down at their bare feet, then up into Molly’s eyes. “I love you, Molly.” he said. “I love you. I have for a while. I was just...I have given my love to others and had it thrown away. I was afraid you would do that for no good reason. I love you.” He opened his mouth to say something, but Molly was already kissing him. 

He had never kissed someone like this before. It was...it was everything he had imagined, late at night when he couldn’t sleep and when he was aching with...wanting? Love? He was not sure what the word for it was. It was heat and light and Caleb’s fingers tangled in his hair and their bodies pressed together and the world zooming in and just becoming...them. They were one person, they were two people wrapped together, Molly’s hands were holding tight to Caleb’s waist and Caleb was clinging to him as if he was about to fly away. Yasha must have left them because he couldn’t hear her. Somehow they had fallen onto the bed, and they were kissing like they were going to fall apart, and now their legs were tangled together, and Caleb’s hands were holding onto Molly’s shirt, and Molly’s hands were warm against Caleb’s back. 

They came apart after an eternity, and lay there staring into each other’s eyes. Molly traced his fingers over Caleb’s beard, and Caleb smiled. 

“I love you.” Molly said, leaning to kiss him on the nose. “I love you.” Kiss on the forehead. “I love you.” Kiss on the lips. 

“ _ Ich liebe dich _ .” Caleb whispered, snuggling against him and running his hands through Molly’s hair. 

“What does that mean?” Molly asked.

“I love you.” Caleb murmured, and pulled him in for more kisses. 

\------

Molly woke up to sun falling across his face and Yasha knocking her greatsword into the table. Caleb was snuggled up against him, his face tucked into the crook of Molly’s shoulder and one hand holding onto the edge of the collar of Molly’s shirt. Frumpkin had claimed a perch on top of Molly’s legs. Molly shifted slowly, trying not to disturb either person. Caleb grumbled quietly and snuggled closer to him. 

“Morning, Yash.” Molly said cheerfully, carefully moving Caleb’s head down to his lap. “It’s a beautiful day.”

“The stars were very nice last night.” Yasha commented, a small smile sneaking its way onto her face. 

“Did you sleep outside? We weren’t  _ that _ obnoxious, were we?” Molly said. Yasha raised an eyebrow.

“I was afraid you were going to...do things.” she said. “You were...very passionate.” 

“C’mon, Yasha, we wouldn’t do that with you in the tent.” Molly said. “I don’t think Caleb wants that, and I’m perfectly fine with going without.” He had partaken in  _ things _ once, on a drunken trip to a brothel with Mona and Yuli, and while it had been fun he was not entirely interested in making love of that sort to Caleb. At least, not yet.

“I’m happy Caleb managed to get himself together.” Yasha said. “He was incredibly distraught when he got back to the tent. I think we’ve finally convinced him he is worthy of love.” 

“I’ll say.” Molly said, waggling his eyebrows at her. Yasha rolled her eyes. Molly ran his fingers through Caleb’s hair, working out the tangles. “I hope it sticks.” He sighed. “Do you think they’re still looking for him? Aren’t we going up north, to outside of Rexxetrum?” Yasha studied him. 

“I don’t think they are.” she said. “They would have found him if they were looking, I think.” Caleb mumbled in anxious Zemnian, and Molly bent down to kiss him on the head. 

“You’re fine, Caleb. You’re fine.” he whispered. Frumpkin walked over and flopped down across Molly’s knees, and he scratched the cat behind the ears. “I suppose the people who would be looking for Caleb won’t want to come to a circus.” he said thoughtfully. 

“That’s true.” Yasha said, inclining her head. “We have to pack up this morning, remember.” 

“Oh,  _ shit _ , I forgot.” Molly exclaimed. He moved Frumpkin and Caleb off of his legs and went to start packing up their things. Yasha slipped quietly out of the tent as he began throwing books and articles of clothing into the rucksack.

“Mollymauk?” Caleb’s sleep-heavy voice mumbled from the bed. Molly tucked the last book into Caleb’s pack and went over to the bed.

“Good morning, my darling.” he said, kissing Caleb gently on the lips. Caleb took his hands and pulled him closer, peppering his face in kisses. “We’re heading out today, remember?” Molly said, leaning his forehead against Caleb’s. 

“ _ Ja _ , I remember.” Caleb said. He kissed Molly one more time and slipped out of bed, padding across the tent to dig his hairbrush out of the side of his pack and pulling it through his hair. “Where is Yasha?” 

“She went to help Gustav, I think.” Molly said, picking Frumpkin up and snuggling him up to his face. The cat hung limp in his hands, tolerating the excessive affection he was being shown. “Come here, I’ll do that for you.” Caleb blinked at him, then walked over and sat back down on the bed. Molly brushed slowly, being careful to not pull too hard. Caleb’s hair was very thick and very soft, and when he was finished, he ran his fingers through it just to feel the texture. Caleb hummed quietly and snuggled closer to Molly, who buried his face in Caleb’s hair and kissed him. Caleb turned his face upwards and kissed Molly. They fell back onto the bed, exchanging gentle kisses. 

“We’re putting the tents up.” Yasha announced a few minutes later, marching into the tent and interrupting their kisses. Molly kissed Caleb one more time on the nose and launched himself off of the bed. Caleb picked Frumpkin up and stood up as well, standing by to watch as Yasha and Molly folded the cot up. They all shouldered their packs and left the tent. Bo was standing outside with his arms folded.

“Took you long enough.” he said, raising an eyebrow. Frumpkin was deposited down on top of the bags, and they all began to take the tent down. Bo carried it over to the growing pile of colorful fabric on the baggage cart. Molly took Caleb’s hand, and they followed Yasha and Frumpkin over to their cart. 

\------

The months passed, and Molly celebrated one year of being with the circus. It was the closest thing to a birthday he had, so they treated it as such. Gustav and Desmond managed to find a bakery in the tiny little hamlet they were camped outside of, and the whole circus gathered outside of the tent to eat cake and dance. It was really an excuse for them to all get incredibly drunk and party. Molly danced with everyone who would have him, which was most of the circus, but he saved the best dances for Caleb. Caleb could  _ dance _ . He must have had training at some point in his life, probably at that awful school, because he knew exactly how to move. Molly wasn’t amazing, but he wasn’t terrible, and Caleb made up for his failings. They finished the night as the last couple on the grass, slow dancing and leaning on each other as Desmond played a slow, sweet song on his violin. 

“Caleb,” Molly mumbled into Caleb’s shoulder. “Caleb, I love you.”

“I know,  _ Liebling. _ I love you too.” Caleb murmured, carding his fingers through Molly’s hair.

“Let’s keep dancing...all night.” Molly slurred. He was rather drunk. Caleb chuckled and kissed him on the side of the head. 

“No, my darling, we should sleep.” he said. “You have to...to busk, tomorrow. That is the word?”

“Yeah.” Molly sighed. “Yer a real circus boy now.” 

“And that is our cue to go to bed.” Caleb announced, as the violin faded away into the night air. “Come on,  _ Schatz _ .” Molly sighed, but he let Caleb lead him on the meandering path through the tents and back to their own. Yasha had gone to sleep a few hours earlier, and she was lying in the cot breathing softly and slowly. Molly undressed and crawled into the bedroll, waiting for Caleb to join him. When he finally did, Molly rolled over and tucked his face into Caleb’s chest, pressing kisses all over it. Caleb wrapped his arms around him and kissed him on the head.

“Good night, my darling Caleb.” Molly murmured, his lips brushing over Caleb’s skin. 

“Happy birthday, my dearest Mollymauk.” Caleb said. They went to sleep with their limbs tangled together, and they woke up to snow dusted over the trees. 

Molly had never seen snow before. It had been a warm winter when he had crawled out of the dirt. He sprinted out of the tent in his boots and shirt and stared up at the gray sky.

“Caleb! Yasha! There’s stuff coming out of the sky, and it’s  _ not _ rain!” he called. Caleb walked groggily out of the tent, wrapping his coat around him and blinking in the cloud-filtered sunlight. 

“It’s snow,  _ Schatz _ .” he said, a smile creeping onto his face. Molly ran over and dragged him further out into the camp.

“It’s so cold! And wet!” he exclaimed, turning his face up to the clouds and letting the flakes brush over his skin. “This is amazing!” 

“We should put better clothes on, and then I will show you some things you can do with snow.” Caleb said, grinning mischievously. 

They chased the day away with an army of snowmen and a whole arsenal of snowballs that Molly pelted the other circus members with, sparking a relative snowball war. The champion of that was, of course, Yasha, but they all had endless fun hurling snow at each other. Molly was soaked and exhausted by the end of it.

“Whoever decided snow should exist was a genius.” he gushed that night after a nice hot bath, staring up at the top of the tent and running his fingers through Frumpkin’s fur. 

“You can thank the gods, I suppose.” Caleb said. 

“Thank you, gods!” Molly called up. Caleb laughed and lay down next to him. Molly snuggled next to him. “I’m so glad I came back to life.” he said. Caleb looked at him.

“I am glad too.” he said. 

“Of course you’re glad, silly, you’re my boyfriend!” Molly exclaimed. “If you weren’t I would be concerned.” Caleb smiled and nestled his head into the crook of Molly’s shoulder. 

\------

Inevitably, their journey carried them up to Rexxentrum. Caleb grew more and more anxious as they approached the city, and Molly did his very best to soothe his boyfriend’s fears. 

“No one is looking for you, love. We know that.” he said gently the night before they reached the edge of the city. “They won’t find you. Not in a circus.” Caleb worried a few locks of hair between his hands, braiding and unbraiding them.

“What if they  _ do _ find me?” he whispered. Molly kissed him on the forehead. 

“They won’t. I won’t let them.” he said. 

Rexxentrum was the largest city Molly had ever seen. The stone buildings reached up towards the skies, barely brushing the bottoms of the clouds, it seemed. They made camp on a hill overlooking the city, and Molly spent the time he was not helping to put up the tents staring down at the patchwork of streets and houses and buildings. 

“We can go down there, if you want.” Yasha said when she caught him staring down at the buildings. “Caleb can show us around...if he wants to come with us.” 

“Now?” Molly asked, looking up at her with eager eyes. Yasha considered.

“I think so.” she said. “I’m not doing anything, and we don’t have a show tonight.” Molly beamed and went skipping back to the tent. Caleb was reading at the table, Frumpkin curled up in his lap and purring like crazy.

“Would you like to come with me and Yasha to Rexxentrum to walk around?” Molly asked, leaning across the table and propping his head on his hands. Caleb looked up from his book, an expression of worry appearing in his eyes. 

“Ah...I do not know….I can disguise myself. Yes.” he said, his mind clearly running through a long list of scenarios. “I have a spell for that. It only lasts an hour...but that is fine.”

“I can use my disguise kit on you, if you want.” Molly said, sitting up straight. “That will last forever, or until you wash.” Caleb considered.

“That would be good. Thank you, Mollymauk.” he said. Molly skipped over to his pack and pulled out the bag of make-up and other supplies. In a short time, Caleb looked practically unrecognizable.

“Perfect.” Molly declared, kissing Caleb on the lips. Caleb smiled and picked Frumpkin up, draping the cat around his neck and tucking the collar of his coat over him to hide him. 

“Let us go discover the wonders of Rexxentrum.” he said. Molly took his hand and they walked out of the tent and down to the edge of the hill, where Yasha was waiting patiently. Molly took her hand, and they walked together down into the city. 

There were so many people on the streets. Molly held on to Caleb and stuck close to Yasha. He had not been expecting this, somehow. He had seen all the people walking down below, but he had not guessed that it would be like this. They found a bookstore almost immediately, and Caleb spent almost half an hour walking around the shop running his fingers over the leather spines and reading through a few books. They came out of there with two new books. Next came a bakery, then they stared into the windows of fancy clothing stores. Molly wished he had enough money to afford the sparkly dresses and beautiful tunics that were displayed, but he was sure that he had never even seen enough money to buy one sock from those stores. 

They were walking slowly through a lush park, admiring the flowers and trees, when Caleb stopped abruptly.

“ _ I recognize him _ .” he whispered, angling his head at a man sitting on a bench reading a book. “ _ He is from the Academy _ .” 

“OK. Stay calm. We’re going to leave.” Molly said, starting to walk down the path. Yasha shot a dangerous look at the man, her hand going to the dagger in her belt. 

“Ah, Rhiannon!” the man on the bench exclaimed as they walked away. A slender elf woman with long silver hair and a pale, ageless face had walked up to him and sat down. “What news from the Academy?” Molly turned his head at the sound of that, an idea springing into his brain.

“ _ I’m going to listen _ .” he whispered. Caleb shook his head, his eyes going wide, but Molly had already let go of his hand and slipped over to sit on a bench right next to the two. He was carrying Caleb’s books, and he opened one, staring at the words on the page and pretending that he was reading. 

“Oh, nothing much, Alastair.” the elf said, her accent posh and smooth. “It has felt so...strange since Ikithon was killed.” 

“Has it really only been six years?” Alastair asked. Out of the corner of his eye, Molly saw him shaking his head. “What a tragedy that was. We lost great wizards in that.”

“Poor Ermendrud.” Rhiannon said. 

“What happened to him? Did we ever find that out?” Alastair asked, and Molly turned his head just slightly so that he would not miss a word.

“Not specifically, but I assume he jumped into the fire with his parents. I would never have expected that from him. He was the best of them...but skill can never account for character. He must have been weaker than he seemed.” Rhiannon said. Alastair did not say anything in response, but Molly could see him nodding sagely. “What are you doing for the Winter’s Crest Festival?” Rhiannon asked, and the conversation turned away from Caleb. Molly sat there for a few more minutes to keep up his cover, then he shut the book and walked down the path, scanning for Yasha and Caleb. He found them sitting on the furthest bench from Rhiannon and Alastair. Yasha had her hand on Caleb’s back, and Caleb was petting Frumpkin in an anxious rhythm. Molly cursed his impulsivity and hurried forward to sit next to his boyfriend.

“Hey,  _ Liebling _ , I’m back, I’m OK.” he murmured, taking Caleb’s hand. “I’m sorry I ran off, I shouldn’t have done that.” 

“It is OK.” Caleb said softly. “I am...I am overreacting. That man would not recognize me, anyway.” Molly hugged him around the shoulders and kissed him on the side of the head. 

“I should have listened to you,” he said. “That was not good of me. I’m sorry.” Caleb smiled up at him, and Molly kissed him on the lips. “Let’s go find something cool to look at.”

“There is a statue garden at the museum.” Caleb said, draping Frumpkin around his neck again and standing up. “If it is still there, that would be fun to see.” Molly took Caleb’s hand and linked arms with Yasha.

“They think you’re dead, by the way.” he said as they walked down the street, away from the park. “They think you jumped into the house fire and burned up.” Caleb was silent for a moment.

“Good.” he said finally. “That is very good.” As they were walking down the street, they passed a fabric store, and Molly pulled the party to a halt.

“Look at that!” he exclaimed, pointing at a bolt of cloth on display in the window. It was dark blue and sprinkled with silver crescent moons. “That’s gorgeous.” He pressed his nose against the glass. “Do you think I could make something out of it?”

“It might be expensive.” Yasha said thoughtfully. “I can get it for you, if you want.”

“If it’s expensive, I can get part of it and get parts of other fabrics and put them all together...yes!” Molly exclaimed. “That’s a good idea! I’ll make a patchwork quilt...or a coat! That would be cool, and I need my own coat.” He had been wearing a borrowed coat of Desmond’s for the past year. They went into the store, and Molly collected a pile of different brightly colored fabrics and buttons that he could put together into a coat. For the rest of the month, he worked hard on stitching them together into something that resembled a garment. He was not that experienced at sewing, but with a lot of help from Yasha and Desmond he managed to make a very nice coat that suited him quite well.

“That is...a lot of color.” Caleb observed when Molly first displayed it. “It’s very you.” Molly bowed. 

“Thank you, thank you.” he said.

“I had an idea…” Caleb said slowly, trailing off and turning his head to the side. “It might look interesting if I embroidered arcane symbols on the maroon part. It would fit the whole fortune teller...mystique.” Molly grinned and took his coat off, passing it over to Caleb.

“Of course, my love.” he said. Caleb spent the day embroidering the coat, and when he had finished, it looked even better, in Molly’s opinion. He put it on and twirled around the tent until he was so dizzy that he fell over, laughing. “It’s perfect.” he told the top of the tent. Caleb chuckled, and Frumpkin walked over to sit on Molly’s chest. Molly scratched him behind the ears and turned his head to grin up at Caleb. 

“Thank you, dearest.” he said. 

“For the cat?” Caleb asked, smiling.

“Of course.” Molly said. “What else would I be thanking you for?” He kissed Frumpkin on the head and sprawled across the floor, incredibly pleased with his life. 

\------

Winter faded away into spring, and the flowers burst through the grass and covered the trees in color. Molly embraced the warming weather with abandon, throwing off his beloved new coat in favor of shirtsleeves and no boots. The spring also brought a surprise. It was unusually warm one day, and the whole circus went to the nearby lake to splash around and cool off just for the fun of it. Molly stripped down without hesitation and plunged into the pristine waters. It was cold, and he came up gasping and laughing at the shock of it. Yasha waded in after him, serenely avoiding the rowdy splashes of the Knot Sisters, who were throwing each other into the lake. 

“Yashaaaa, throw me in!” Molly crowed, and his friend consented, hurling him over the heads of their fellows and into the deep water. Molly stayed underwater, squinting through the water to find Yasha’s legs and coming up with aplomb, splashing water into her face and laughing. He was distracted by a flash of ginger, and he turned to see Caleb descending the slope of the shore to join them in the water. Molly had never seen him willingly strip down in front of anyone other than Yasha and himself, and even then he kept to the corners of the tent.

“Do not look so surprised.” Caleb muttered to the water when he saw Molly’s face. “I had to think about this for a long time, and...it has been six years, hasn’t it? I should be comfortable with these people by now.” 

“I’m not surprised.” Molly protested. “Well, I am, but mostly I’m glad you’re feeling comfortable with us and with yourself.” Caleb smiled and blushed a little.

“I do not like seeing my scars, but I am not...I do not mind you seeing them anymore.” he said slowly. 

“You can always get tattoos over them.” Molly pointed out, stretching his arms out and displaying the tattoos that covered his arms and the red eyes that decorated them. “That’s what I did with those stupid eyes.” Caleb looked down at his forearms, then at Molly, then back at his arms.

“Maybe I will.” he said. “It is time I...moved on from that. He is dead. He cannot find me. He cannot find me!” The final statement was yelled up to the skies. 

“This is...not sudden, but I was not expecting you to become comfortable with that so quickly.” Yasha said hesitantly. Caleb looked at her and smiled, just a bit.

“I was sitting outside of the tent, and I saw a flower sticking out of a crack in the rocks.” he said. “It sparked….I guess you could say it was a revelation. I am not going to get far staying in the rocks.” Molly kissed him on the cheek.

“I’m proud of you.” he said. Caleb went bright red, and Molly cackled. “Come with me, my love, and I will show you the magic of the waters.” He grabbed Caleb’s hands and tugged him into the center of a splash fight between Toya and Bo and Mona and Yuli. Toya squealed in delight and threw a huge wave of water at them, and Caleb’s face split into a grin. Molly laughed up into the spray of water, not for any reason, but just for the joy of life.


	4. Cadence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cadence: a chord progression of at least 2 chords that ends a phrase or section of a piece of music
> 
> I took the majority of the dialogue between Molly and the other members of the Nein from the actual show. Shout out to @crtranscript on tumblr for the work they do, which helps a wide range of folks, including but not limited to hard of hearing fans and desperate fanfic writers. :)
> 
> Thanks for reading!! I love you!!

It was fall, and the crisp air hung over the small town of Trostenwald. It was a beautiful day, and Molly paused in the middle of the sidewalk to bask in the gentle fall sunlight.

“Molly, come on, we have business to attend to.” Yasha said, turning and folding her arms. Caleb was walking a little ahead of them and had not noticed them stopping. 

“It’s so  _ beautiful _ out today, Yasha.” Molly sighed, hurrying to join her and continuing along the walk. “A perfect day for a performance.” 

“This looks good.” Caleb said, pausing outside of an inn. “The Nestled Nook. Quaint.” 

“But not too dive-y.” Molly added. “Shall we?” He pushed the door open, and the others followed him in. The bar was dark, but bars generally were dark. The sound of clattering dishes and soft talking made for a gentle atmosphere, and the buzz of conversation made Molly feel comfortable. When they entered, a few people glanced their way, but no one stared too much. They were probably too polite to gawk. Molly led the way over to the first table.

“Hello, hello, lovely day, isn’t it?” he said cheerfully, quickly scanning the patrons at the table and deciding they were fine to talk to. “Mollymauk Tealeaf. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” The conversation wound through the usual paths, and when it was finished, Yasha dropped a slip of paper on to the table. They moved on, leaving flyers at some tables and moving on from others. 

“Molly, I am going to go talk up that table.” Caleb muttered, tugging gently on Molly’s sleeve and pointing to a table in the back corner of the bar. Sitting at it was a single halfling with their hood up and their face buried in a large tankard of trost. “I think I can get through to them, and they could probably use a circus.” 

“Go forth, my love, and bring us customers and cheer.” Molly said dramatically. Caleb made a face at him and received a kiss on the cheek for his woes. They parted ways, and Caleb was soon talking to the figure at the table. The table next to the halfling’s looked promising. There were three people sitting there: a chubby blue tiefling woman with dark blue hair and lots of silver jewelry, a broad-shouldered green half-orc man wearing leather armor, and a lean human woman with warm, medium brown skin, blue monk robes, and an undercut. Molly sauntered up to their table. 

“Well!” he exclaimed, drawing out the word and adding more drama to it than could normally be contained into one word. “I don’t believe I’ve ever seen a group of people more in need of a good time in my entire life. Mollymauk Tealeaf of the Fletching and Moondrop Traveling Carnival of Curiosities. If there was ever a group of people that needed a good time to go out, have a laugh, see things that you have never seen before, and my god, take my word for it, one month’s time, people will be buying your ale to hear the tale of what you saw at the Traveling Carnival of Curiosities this night.”

“We saw your tent going up!!” the tiefling exclaimed, practically bounding out of her seat in her excitement. 

“We were actually planning on going, even without the flyer.” the human woman said, eyeing Yasha with a strange mix of fear and...attraction? Molly smirked internally. The woman had no idea what she was getting into. 

“Wonderful!” he said. “It’s five copper, which is a  _ steal _ . At five silver it would still be a steal, and at five gold? Worth every penny. But it’s five copper, and if you have that to spare, we’re happy to have you.” The tiefling whispered something to the half-orc, and he nodded.

“Do you perform?” the human asked, leaning her chin on her hand and cocking her head to the side. 

“Oh, no.” Molly said. “I’m more...the hype man. I do read fortunes, but not in the show.” 

“You read fortunes??” the tiefling exclaimed, leaning across the table towards him. “Can you do one right now?!” 

“I knew you were going to say that.” Molly declared, sitting down at the table and pulling his cards out from his coat. He could hear Caleb snort behind him, and he snuck his tail between the benches to prod his boyfriend. A barmaid wandered over and began talking to Yasha.“Well, who has gold for a fortune?” Molly asked, shuffling them with much drama. 

“Do you know my name?” the tiefling asked, her eyes wide and eager.

“What is your name?” Molly asked, grinning.

“Jester!” she replied.

“I know your name now.” Molly said, and they both laughed. The monk rolled her eyes.

“What is your name?” Jester asked, grinning.

“Molly to my friends, and we are friends now, aren’t we?” Molly said, smiling. “Pleasure.” He extended a hand, and she shook it enthusiastically. 

“Molly! Look at this guy!” she said cheerfully.

“Mollymauk. Molly for short.” Molly explained. “And this is Yasha. She’s a charm. And…” He made a show of looking around the bar, then finally pointed at Caleb’s back. “That’s Caleb. He’s with us, too, though he doesn't quite look it.”

“ _ Hallo _ .” Caleb said, turning away from his conversation with the halfling, who upon closer inspection looked more like a small goblin girl, her ears tucked close into her hood. 

“Hi!! I’m Jester!” Jester said cheerfully. “And this is Fjord, and this is Beau, and we’re travelling together!” 

“Now that we all know each other, would anyone like a fortune read?” Molly knew that Jester would say yes, of course, but it was all part of his performance. 

“I would  _ love  _ one.” Jester gushed. “How much?” Molly considered.

“Two copper.” he declared, and Jester passed it over. Molly continued to shuffle, studying Jester. She was watching him with excitement spread all over her face. He was certain that whatever he told her, she would accept as truth. He spread out three cards and flipped the first one over. “Ahh. Your first card, the Silver Dragon.” he said. “This is good. You’re pure, you’re virtue, you’re a  worthwhile and wonderful human being, obviously, or creature of some repute.”

“That’s what everyone always tells me.” Jester informed the group, clearly preening. 

“It’s true.” Molly stated. He continued on, pulling all kinds of bullshit in order to woo his customers into thinking he was really reading a fortune. It worked; Jester was clearly enthralled by his performance. When he was finished, she applauded enthusiastically.

“I can’t wait to see this show now, if you’re this good and you don’t even perform!” she cheered. 

“Do you perform?” the monk, Beau, asked Yasha, who was holding a tankard of trost and looking moderately awkward.

“No. I do not. I just...I put it up.” Yasha said, taking a sip from her cup. “I move things around, I set up the stage, I put up the tent. But I don’t perform. I’m very strong.” 

“Some of our acts are a little...complicated.” Molly added. “Some of our performers are...not of the traditional variety, and it can help to have people around who can...keep things contained.”

“Caleb, what do you do?” Jester asked, turning the focus abruptly onto Caleb, who up until that point had been sitting quietly, listening to the conversation. 

“Oh...um...I...help out a little?” Caleb said, worrying the edge of his coat sleeve. “Nothing in particular.” 

“Those are cool tattoos.” Beau said, pointing at the edge of a flower that poked out of his sleeve. Caleb looked down at his wrist and smiled a little. 

“ _ Danke _ .” he said. 

“Ooo, can I see?!” Jester exclaimed, leaning forward. Caleb looked a little flustered, but he pulled back his sleeve to show her the collection of flowers and leaves that covered his arms. Jester cooed over them, then turned her attention back to the others. “So...when is it? How long is it? When is it?”

“First show is tonight!” Molly exclaimed. 

“We don’t have any plans for tonight.” Beau observed.

“Hey! Miss Goblin!” Jester exclaimed, pointing at the girl Caleb had been talking to. “Do you want to come with us?”

“I don’t have any plans tonight.” the girl said slowly. “I guess...I wouldn’t mind seeing it.” 

“Yay!” Jester cheered. “Look at all these friends we’re making here. This is a good city.” 

“You are all the most charming people I’ve met in...yes.” Molly finished that sentence. It was not quite true, but he had to butter up the customers somehow. He did like Jester. She was fun. He liked fun. “Well, we’d better be going one.” 

“Yep, nice to meet you all. You’re so, uh, wonderful.” Yasha said. 

“ _ Auf Wiedersehen _ .” Caleb added, standing up. Yasha downed her ale and set the mug down on the table, and they left the inn, distributing flyers as they went. 

“They were interesting.” Molly said cheerfully. “I hope we see them tonight. They could be fun.” 

“The goblin girl was very skittish.” Caleb said. “I do not know if she will come.” 

“Maybe she will.” Molly said. “We’ll see.” He took Caleb’s hand, and they walked through the streets of Trostenwald back to the tent to prepare for the show.


End file.
